Sexual Abuse

The pain has surfaced again.

Just when you think you have dealt with your past, something happens and turns it all upside down. I thought I had faced and worked on my child abuse but yet hear I am again. This time it is stronger and I am angry. Where’s as before I accepted and thought it was my fault for leading these abuses on.

I am feeling sick and am chocked. Want to reach out but no one is there to listen. Well tell a lie I have some one very close to me and supporting me and am very lucky. As they have pushed me to go get some professional help.

 I did get help when I was in my 20s but this needs to be dealt with again now.

Yes I have a history as we all know of breaking up in my relationships and getting back together.

This time I need not to be doing this anymore and sort this out alone. Which is my scariest thing I could think of, maybe jumping out of a plane would be scarer.

I will right this like I am sending him a letter as it might sound better, no names I will call him Fred

Fred what happened the other morning was so wrong and it has stirred up a lot of things I have not dealt with. I am suffering and in pain as I try to find a way to make this go away. I have now reached the point of anger but still find it hard to release that. as anger scares me too. I am not wanted to lash out at you but I need to set myself free.

This is how it went down for me.

knowing I am a very sexual girl but sometimes I just don’t want it and I say no. Fred did not see or hear my NO so he persisted. It was early in the morning about 5am; Fred had to get up and go to work. As always my Fred is horny in the morning and that’s ok. I don’t mind if he lies beside me and looks after himself I like listening to his noises. It makes me smile. This morning he approached me and I said no don’t wake me I want to sleep. So Fred stars to try and get me involved playing with my anal area with his finger as he plays with himself with the others hand. I said stop I don’t want to be woken let me sleep, don’t wake me.

  I pushed his had away, thinking he would roll over and attended to himself like he has done on other occasions. But no he persisted. I was on my side facing the wall and he was behind me. So then he pulls my singlet up and starts rubbing his erect cock on my back, doing the pelvic thrust. Then my body went into shut down and it was all too familiar.

One of my sexual abuses let call him James, use to sneak into my bedroom when I was about 10 years old. I was asleep but soon woke to James sliding into my bed. Yes I was facing to wall and James came in from behind as he pushed his body against me. James rubbed himself on me and then He spat on his hand and slides his hand and fingers between my thighs, making sure my pussy was wet and slippery. James would play for while fingering me and making my pussy all slipper and so wet. Then James would slide his hard cock in-between my legs, sliding back and forwards. Thrusting and grinding and breathing on my neck with pleasurable moaning sounds.

 I did not know what to do as he held my body tight to his as his cock slipped in and out of my lips of my pussy, not penetrating.  I just shut down listening to his noises and feeling his heavy breathing on my neck as he was getting himself hard and pleasing himself. Then he would leave and I would be numb not able to move or say anything and wet between my legs. I just wanted to scream and go wash myself. Feeling dirty and like I did something wrong.  My friend calls it rape; it is hard to think of it this way. But yes I was raped. Angry!

I want to share this with Fred but I feel it might break him and that’s not what I want to do. But I also want people to know that a small action you think is harmless can kill another person.

I am now struggling and hope I can get through this one as it hurts and still have not let go of it to anyone. Please see the signs and use your word and actions to stop what is not feeling good for you.

Self awareness

The day has come where I sit alone

I have deleted all that does not serve my future

I have reached a point where I need to do my things and be able to sit with it

Being alone is not my best side as I feel I always need that distraction in life to help me through

But now I am trying and fighting to need for old to play and new to look at new

We all struggle with life’s difficulty’s

How do you manage?

I do lots of pausing before reacting

And some times that works

Or put myself to good use in doing the things that need to be done

And things that I enjoy

Take time out for me

But there is always that time when you are alone and your mind wants to explode in the old

Dame that’s hards lol

Enjoy your day and stay true to yourself we are all human and make good and bad choices

Love 💗

Does my wall lock them out or keep me prisoner ?

I am at no turning point

It is not a game

The feelings I don’t feel

I hind them in shame

Not knowing what to do any more

But what I already know

Is to shut them out and not feel any more

My life is not painful or is it in love

I just keep going about work and life’s jobs

Not sure if I will ever let someone in

As this is life as I know it is

So I guess I will keep running and keep all away

Because that is my life as in May

Maybe some day someone will know what to say

And make my wall fall away

You all have a nice day

Love and Connection

love is, love  is what you want it to be

well most of you will settle for

a nice job with a nice house and a nice husband and just live

not me I have been in a nice marriage till in went sour for 20 years.

now I know what a strong connection is I want just live any more.

life was made to be lived and if you find that one you connect with cannot stop thinking of. don’t be the fool to let it go over stupid things.

because you will drown in your own tears

a relationship is compromising and a connection is sharing your most deepest thoughts and feeling safe and protected doing so.

if you can work the two together you have what life calls a soul connection.

I like and that is the naughty me.

Well today I realised that things have to change.

I like and that is the naughty me.

The motion of the potion that keep coming back to haunt me. This is it by the time February hits my life will take a turn but for the moment let me still share the me.

I like and that is the naughty me. Yes I love to tell hot stories and you can join me. YOU CAN SEND your hot stories too.

Life was not meant to be hidden behind close door we all like to be excited and enjoy a fantasy or two.

So todays little story is about anticipation. The urging of your body as it heats and sweats and throbs for more.

Here I go

Once upon a time a naughty girl like to look at porn. Her hormones where stirring just before dawn.

There was no one in her bed at the time so she quietly move to her draw, what did she find

In there was her little friend the one that makes her sing wright till the end

Sing oh fuck and laugh with a naughty moan

She applies the stimulant to her clit then she looks for some hot sexy Picts on tumblr.

Well she find a hot one as her clit starts to feel warm

Grabbing her little friend that always performs.

Never missing the spot that makes her squirm.

The light is off and the blind are only slightly open just giving her that romantic feeling.

She think maybe someone is listening this is exciting her even more.

The vibration on her clit and around to the right always excites her.

Feeling her leg starting to tremble knowing more is about to come and be intense.

She loves just finding more exciting spots so in the end she can feel her clit throb

The satisfaction you know what you want is life’s gift

Go get what you want and don’t settle for less

Love you all I have explored time to rest.

http://pandorasdiary.com.au/pleasure-1996-penthouse/