Happy

Well I have been told that a blog is about happy times too. Today I am feeling happy but was not going to blog. Happy is an unfamiliar word to me, I feel it then quickly shut it down before it takes over me, but this week coming I want to forget and feel what happy is all about, this is my challenge and adventure and mmm scared to feel all at one time. So this week coming I am going on an adventure in the bush and just hoping to let go to the universe let it take me on a journey to feelings I have lost and blocked out and take me to a wild and crazy and amazing place of what I am meant to be feeing. Continue reading “Happy”

Diary

The last few days have been a battle for me, old patterns of thinking, those cycles of disbelief and of not feeling worthy. I use to be happy, well maybe I thought I was but now its hard to find that word happy and live it. Life gives us struggles to see how we work out our mistakes and learn, but hey this is too long I am sick of trying to learn, I just want to be happy again. I am clinging to things to run and hide with, I just want to be busy again and feel like I have a successful  life. I need to let go of all those material worries and look at who is beside me. The other day I sat down on the couch I become so numb and frozen my hands started to tremble, I sat for 30 min thinking what is wrong with me. I do not think this is how it is meant to be.

Feelings of Seperation

The weekends alone with my child are the hardest, this is were I feel the most pain of being alone, it brings back feelings of the separation with the ex. When leaving I try and grab strength to get out but I think I blocked all feelings so I  was strong for my boy, now every time alone at home with my boy I fall apart, falling into the deepest hole. If I was alone no child I think I would not leave my bedroom and be a mess. Leaving the ex took a year of building up courage and hate towards every thing he said and did. When I told him it is over I made sure my son was around so he could not get angry and maybe hurt me. Continue reading “Feelings of Seperation”

Single Mum

It is late and I am trying to dig deep and find feelings that I block so well. It has been an emotional day and a slow week. I want to feel happy but am too tired to put that mask on and smile. Life is shit sometimes and is going so slow. I am putting in the home work setting things up but still my future seems to keep getting further and further away from me. I think, I cannot complain which is not me , I am a person that hides and does not show my struggles. Continue reading “Single Mum”

The Magic Mans Story (Relationship)

when I first started texting and seeing the magic man, he texted me some thing that blew me away. That moment I new we had started connecting. He text, “I am bored send me a story”, I love that shit, I do that myself. Any way this is one of his story’s to me. When we first met you were always smiling and positive. Never sad or angry and never upset. With everything going on in your life I knew you were either holding it and hiding  what you were feeling or you were hiding from it. Continue reading “The Magic Mans Story (Relationship)”