Past

Today I rang my step brother MH to find out where the box of photos and memories from my foster parents were that they had left for me. He rang around and found out they have been left in a wrecked car at the back of his block and ruined. He was so angry, MH just wanted to kill someone, that being my other step brother M, who has AIDS, bashes his kids and lives on a swampy bush block with no electricity in a caravan. Smoking, drugs kind of life style. Me being the type of person that blocks feelings out and could not be upset for something I never had.

My life with that step brother, M,  was not the best, he was the one who sexually abused me but hey, that’s something I’d would like to forget. This was, at the time, something that felt right because it felt like some one cared for me in a different way, but well what was I to think or say without causing trouble or bringing up shit feelings. As for MH he and I are the only ones who keep in contact since my foster parents died.

Dear diary

 

The tears we feel when we have no hope

The power we feel when we are alone

The magic we hope to find at the end of the rope

The time we suffer in silence hoping that no one will find us

find us in this state of depth of darkness

The lost little girl who no one believed

The diary she had to leave

Every thing was in that diary her heart her soul and her beliefs.

so this is where she ran away to the darkness and the darkness had begun

She was lost, never to be found… until now

this is where her life has just begun

her new journey with love around

 

 

 

a moment of magic

I lay on the couch waiting for my orders, a little tipsy from our lovely day and dinner together, waiting for my pleasure to take place.
He enters the room, coming from the bedroom with a smirk of lust on his face. He takes my hand and asked me who do I belong too, me saying “you sir”. he takes out a silk long black blind fold, rapping it gently and firm around my eyes asking “can you see little girl” me “no sir”. “good girl” he replies. Continue reading “a moment of magic”

The beginning of my journey, story, diary to create traffic

Dear diary

The Beginning.

This has been a great journey over 2017. I will be rereading and revamping all my post to create more traffic. The post date of originals will be in there and new stuff added to how it is now.

My Diary

This is a diary of my life struggles and joy, that have made me who I am today. We all have a story of why we are whom we are today. This is mine, hoping you will enjoy and be hungry for more.

Struggles

So it will be scatted events and stories of my life of struggle, happiness and abuse as I put it all together. Don’t look into my stories and see the pain I was in
Look into my story’s and see the strength I have become. I lost myself as a little girl and have been struggling to conquer and be strong, and find the real women I truly am today.

I also lost myself over my marriage as is shut down due to verbal abuse over the years. this has been hard to regain strength and find out who I am. Things so simple as what I like to do eat and so on. When your with some one for so long, I ended up doing and eating what they liked as I lost myself and courage to say the things that had meaning to me. 

!It is hard to loose a heart you say! but I did and am still struggling with the I love you thingy. It is a lost feeling I am still learning to find out what is the meaning of love to me. So now I need to be strong in my head and create magic as I use to know it.

To many people just say, !I love you! without actions backing it up. It is too easy for people to just walk away and shut down and think they can do this, but it hurts and it is hard to fall in love again.

Get out of your head.