FINDING CLOSER

I fear five a clock every day

FINDING CLOSER

This is my worse time of the day having to deal with my Childs melt downs of abuse towards me and feeling lonely. I wish had help at this time of the day. I am alone and hate it and just want to pack my bags and run and keep running. I am weak and am tired of life treating me like I am a piece of shit and It is my own child how can I run I have to face it.

All I want is someone to be there around this time but I guess some things you are meant to face alone. I am caught up between a soul mate and a lover. Trying to deal with my mixed emotion and my son mixed emotions is really challenging and hard. I have to be strong, but all i want to do is collapse into supporting arms and disappear. A well know feeling of mine. This time I have to just try to let it out the best way I know how and that is writing. I still question life and what makes us happy and till I figure this out I will always be looking back to the comforts I had. A friend said I will be with the one I love with my heart. I still question that too.
Why do I fear five a clock every day
This is my worse time of the day having to deal with my Childs melt downs of abuse towards me and feeling lonely. I wish had help at this time of the day. I am alone and hate it and just want to pack my bags and run and keep running. I am weak and am tired of life treating me like I am a piece of shit and It is my own child how can I run I have to face it. All I want is someone to be there around this time but I guess some things you are meant to face alone. I am caught up between a soul mate and a lover. Trying to deal with my mixed emotion and my son mixed emotions is really challenging and hard. I have to be strong, but all i want to do is collapse into supporting arms and disappear. A well know feeling of mine. This time I have to just try and let it out the best way I know how and that is writing. I still question life and what makes us happy and till I figure this out I will always be looking back to the comforts I had. A friend said I will be with the one I love with my heart. I still quI fear five a clock every day
This is my worse time of the day having to deal with my Childs melt downs of abuse towards me and feeling lonely. I wish had help at this time of the day. I am alone and hate it and just want to pack my bags and run and keep running. I am weak and am tired of life treating me like I am a piece of shit and It is my own child how can I run I have to face it. All I want is someone to be there around this time but I guess some things you are meant to face alone. I am caught up between a soul mate and a lover. Trying to deal with my mixed emotion and my son mixed emotions is really challenging and hard. I have to be strong, but all i want to do is collapse into supporting arms and disappear. A well know feeling of mine. This time I have to just try and let it out the best way I know how and that is writing. I still question life and what makes us happy and till I figure this out I will always be looking back to the comforts I had. A friend said I will be with the one I love with my heart. I still question that too.
Why do I give myself a hard time about life it should be easy meet some and live a life of work, play and no stress? I feel I create my own stress by not living in the now and keep trying to make it all perfect. Got to get this done, got to make this work. When children are involved you tend to think of what they need not your needs. I think one day I will get my turn in life and have my own place of happiness.
I cannot ring my closest friend as she is friends with whom I feel was my soul mate. I don’t want to reach out because he needs to move on his journey and find his strengths as this was not possible with me around. I am seeing it now we both needed to be apart to gain strength on our own. I think i will never be happy till I find strength in my heart and voice again.
So I guess this is how it flows until I see the light of life as it is painted out for me.
I am sorry I know you might read this but this blog is for me to let go and not show the people around me how dysfunctional I am. Who reads this is people fare away that cannot affect me or look into my eyes and see the pain I am going through. Yes we all put on that happy face and life s great to everyone but sometimes life is not so great.
I live in paradise but I am not in paradise yet. My paradise is the beach not the bush. The bush is some one else’s paradise not mine.
I THINK I KEEP REACHING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT FOUND CLOSER
HOW DO I DO THIS?
estion that too.
Why do I give myself a hard time about life it should be easy meet some and live a life of work, play and no stress? I feel I create my own stress by not living in the now and keep trying to make it all perfect. Got to get this done, got to make this work. When children are involved you tend to think of what they need not your needs. I think one day I will get my turn in life and have my own place of happiness.
I cannot ring my closest friend as she is friends with whom I feel was my soul mate. I don’t want to reach out because he needs to move on his journey and find his strengths as this was not possible with me around. I am seeing it now we both needed to be apart to gain strength on our own. I think i will never be happy till I find strength in my heart and voice again.
So I guess this is how it flows until I see the light of life as it is painted out for me.
I am sorry I know you might read this but this blog is for me to let go and not show the people around me how dysfunctional I am. Who reads this is people fare away that cannot affect me or look into my eyes and see the pain I am going through. Yes we all put on that happy face and life s great to everyone but sometimes life is not so great.
I live in paradise but I am not in paradise yet. My paradise is the beach not the bush. The bush is some one else’s paradise not mine.
I THINK I KEEP REACHING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT FOUND CLOSER
HOW DO I DO THIS?
I give myself a hard time about life it should be easy meet some and live a life of work, play and no stress? I feel I create my own stress by not living in the now and keep trying to make it all perfect. Got to get this done, got to make this work. When children are involved you tend to think of what they need not your needs. I think one day I will get my turn in life and have my own place of happiness.
I cannot ring my closest friend as she is friends with whom I feel was my soul mate. I don’t want to reach out because he needs to move on his journey and find his strengths as this was not possible with me around. I am seeing it now we both needed to be apart to gain strength on our own. I think i will never be happy till I find strength in my heart and voice again.
So I guess this is how it flows until I see the light of life as it is painted out for me.
I am sorry I know you might read this but this blog is for me to let go and not show the people around me how dysfunctional I am. Who reads this is people fare away that cannot affect me or look into my eyes and see the pain I am going through. Yes we all put on that happy face and life s great to everyone but sometimes life is not so great.
I live in paradise but I am not in paradise yet. My paradise is the beach not the bush. The bush is some one else’s paradise not mine.
I THINK I KEEP REACHING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT FOUND CLOSER
HOW DO I DO THIS?

Random thoughts

Music works on our vibration changing our moods. Allow your mind to connect with your soul through music. Music uplifts and moves through our body as we let go and be inspired at the same time. My son and I love going for drives and turning the music up and singing loud as we over express the words.

Life can be a challenge just every day to day but if we free our self and listen to the messages and sign it can change how we see things. I love playing with this, I see lots of the same numbers in time, and I also take note if I turn on the radio what song is playing to what the message is behind it. Messages are everywhere.

DONT BE PUSHED BY YOUR PROBLEMS

BE INPIRED BY YOUR DREAM

It is what it is

Thousand words can’t bring you back. I know because I’ve tried. But i am not allowed

And neither would a million tears i know you have cried and it is what is.

I am not allowed to let my past interfere with my future as it was what it was.

FEAR of facing our deepest fears has set it apart.

Fear of accepting your child is different.

We love our children dearly sometimes we hide behind the truth. I have been battling this for a long time. Now it has become dangerous. So I have pushed and faced the fact that this is not normal behaviour.

 

Yes everyone has their own input but not everyone has been around my child all the time. The things that happen behind closed doors, I have just been putting up with hoping everything will be normal soon. Yes we do have good days but then it goes back to verbal abuse and hitting and not letting me out of the room to breaking things.

Now we have started the medication and I am numb and not knowing what to feel. I listen to everyone having their opinion but how do I feel about this? I have had enough of the abuse and am going to go with the flow and see how this affects him. I am the mother in control and I will do what’s best for my child. But sometimes the heart gets in the way and we make some sad choices.

I do feel relieved and also concern, but I have always just wanted for him to fit in and have friends. WHEN YOUR MOTHER SENDS YOU A TEXT LIKE THIS,

The truth hurts.

I may have moved to paradise but i am not in paradise yet.

Random Words

Random words

 The words that clutter our heads, negativity let’s try to reframe it to positive.

Waking up is the most important mind-set you can grab? Stop pause lye there and thinking how do I want my day to be like. This was me yesterday and yes it worked.

The day before yesterday was a day I would love to forget. I felt worthless, no good at being a mother and everything I said was out of anger and should not have been said out loud.

 

So I woke up said to myself I am going to approach everything with a smile, pause and think of how to redirect the negative into positive. The day was amazing felt tired at the end of the day in the most different way. The satisfaction and calming way of tired. The way life should feel at the end of the day.

 oppose to the other day. I was feeling of worthless and wanting to hide and crawl up into a little ball. I cried so hard my body was trembling and feelings of weakness. I put it all down on paper released it into the universe and calmed down. Still feeling weak but release at the same time climbed into bed and let it go. I did feel like calling someone as this is what usually happens but this time it is my turn to look after myself and work this out. Latterly I have been given by the universe time to myself and this has made me face me and make my own decisions.

Reframing the way you see things will help you move towards your goals of being happy.

Feelings of Numb

I have become so numb over my life. How do we let this happen? Life becomes a routine of things to do. Wake up coffee, work, kids and sleep. Then do it all again, when do we have time to feel what makes us alive and feel again.

When we shut down it is hard to find our feelings again. Does this come from way back and then have someone crush us so hard we don’t relies we become numb. I shut down as a little girl then used drugs and stripping to feel a live again only to find behind closed doors i was still was that lost lonely little girl.

 We only grow when we face our past and work on our inner child. As scary as it may be baby steps will lead the way. Breaking it down over the past years I am able to face my fears. Understand and pause and reframe my mind to collect the information and accept who I am today. Theses sadness still comes when I am alone but they don’t last as long as they used too. I accept that it is ok to seat in sadness some times.

 

 

Poem

When I am numb I fiddle with my thumbs

When I am sad I reframe to glad

When I am angry it really scares me

Being true to you takes a lot of courage

So do not hide your feelings let them flourish

We are all human so let someone in close to you

So when you are alone behind closed doors

You know they are there with you in spirit and love.

And home feels like home to you.