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pandorasdiary

Being a Mum

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This is one of the hardest jobs to do.

My son is a very difficult child and I have had to learn along the way and I’m still learning how to make him a better person. My challenges have been from the very beginning. Going to different therapists to help me with strategies. My child got expelled at the age of 4 years of age from child care. He went through a biting stage, yes, this might sound normal but with my little man, he did not stop. He is a very emotional boy trapped in an unfamiliar body. So his way of getting through this is  through anger and hurting people, hitting people. Every day picking up my child from child care I got spoken to, them telling me how bad my child was for the day, I have had this all his life.

When I separated from the ex it was so hard to manage my child he had no structure, not much discipline and I was an emotional mess, thinking I was doing the best I can. Yes at that time I was in my eyes but looking back he needed much more from me as a mother. In the beginning after spending a weekend with Dad he would come home yelling and abusing me, calling me stupid and even punching me. I did not know how to handle this as it was like having a small version of his father, although the ex did not physically hurt me, just a lot of words putting me down with lots of anger behind it. So my boy was bought up around this as well,  we also used to do kick boxing training which probably did not help. So respect for women, my child did not have. I do believe now, what the child sees at home rubs off on them, we are their role models and they are sponges trying to learn what life is suppose to be. I am thinking now he might be on the spectrum for ADHD, that’s what we’re currently working on. At the moment I am finding struggles with one thing that keeps popping up in my mothering, in work and in my relationship is being stuck. I know I am not but this feeling and blockage of me moving forward is a fear in all aspects of my life. This feeling of being stuck and not being able to speak and get out. Maybe this comes from child hood too, being stuck when my step brother use to come into my bedroom at night and play with my private parts, I just froze, my body went numb and pretended it did not happen. Also the times I sat in the cold frosty nights with my foster mum bringing her hot cups of tea as we waited till it was safe to go to bed and my drunk foster dad was asleep this being around 2am. This feeling of being stuck also came from the ex, for over 20 years not being able to see and say and get out, I’m just recognising this now and it’s hopefully helping me move forward. Even though I still get angry and cannot think straight, pushing everything and everyone away. These feelings are getting shorter, not lasting as long so I guess I am making progress.

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