Does my wall lock them out or keep me prisoner ?

captured or not

Does my wall lock them out or keep me prisoner?

Does my wall lock them out or keep me prisoner ?I am at no turning point

It is not a game

The feelings I don’t feel

I hind them in shame

Not knowing what to do any more

But what I already know

Is to shut them out and not feel any more

My life is not painful or is it in love

I just keep going about work and life’s jobs

Not sure if I will ever let someone in

As this is life as I know it is

So I guess I will keep running and keep all away

Because that is my life as in May

Maybe someday someone will know what to say

And make my wall fall away

You all have a nice day

Pleasure 1996 Penthouse

Pleasure and Pain have just begun

This is me in penthouse in 1996. I walked down Kings cross at about 6am in the morning nothing but an inspector jacket on and just removing it when the pictures were taken. I had so much fun, I even got a guy following us around and the police asking us to move on as the traffic was building up.

http://pandorasdiary.com.au/when-love-is-with-you/

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl.

They met online not KNOWING what would fall.

Fall into place and end up apart.

But still longing to be TOGETHER.

I long for the day that life would stand still so I could pop those pills.

Those pills of help I wish I did not do it AND REGRET.

Before I had a changed to feel like I do.

Yes I have to stop living in the past to change

Time to find myself and engage my path

What makes me happy oh how I wish I would stop saying that

Well dancing and sex and taking control these are the thing I long for.

So lets start having fun my diary has just begun

What you will read from here on

Will maybe shock you as I have held off for too long

So let’s get this sex, party and rock in roll stared.

I love the feel of a warm cock when it just touching the lips of your pussy just before it slides in. With his juices of slippery ON THE END of his cock, just slides in and out the tip as you feel that rib just caressing your sensations. Then pushes up deep FEELING the pressing against the top of your pelvic flaw as your juices drip down your anus. knowing you are so ready for him to touch the spot that makes you trembled. your legs start shaking out of control.

 

FEAR, will I end up in the right person’s eyes?

FEAR, will I end up in the right person’s eyes again?

I know this is a process I have chosen and now I have to work with it and truly find what I am searching for in my soul mate.

I know I have a lot to work on as I am not making these same mistakes again.

My life feels stuck at the moment want to release my desires. This must not be unleashed until I am certain. I am still not clear on what I don’t want and what I do want.

It’s like that relationship gone sour; to the point you don’t even want to hear what they are talking about. This always happens when my cycles come in and I get the feeling of running again.

Not wanting to be touch and this is all too real as it feels like my long relationship I had for 20 years. 

Yes I get Horney but I do not even want these desires to be filled.

I am starting to regret something I did and am feeling stuck and that dirty kind of feeling again.

Am I meant to be facing this again so I can tackle them face on, facing my fears I ran away from 4 years ago.

 This is coming up for me to face my fears and be done with them and be where I am meant to be with a soul mate. Life has funny ways of presenting things to us but obviously I have not completed this part of my feelings.

I know when I was forced to have sex as a child and as an adult I felt dirty after.

I just wanted to crawl up into a little ball after being in a hot shower, leaving my skin so red it looked like I had been sunburned.

Getting to the end of my married relationship I felt like a prostitute.

Having to perform sex as he had not had it for a month and I was made to feel guilty for him not having sex.

That I did not care for him. So I use to have sex with him then I only to just giving him a head job.

 I knew I had to get out and I could not pretend to love him anymore. This went on for years as I detracted in emotions and feelings.

I was dead my this time not know which was is up. Like falling in a pool when you have been drinking and trying to swim to the top only to find you ate swimming to the boot.

These feelings are back not his fault. I am waiting for the two-week when he finally gets his own place and I can start living in my space again. Maybe I should not wait as it is killing me inside again.

I am also waiting for the explosion of my son’s father. I have sent him two texts and am waiting for him to finally contact me and Jackson as he can now have contact with Jackson. So I am killing inside waiting again.

Why can’t I clear this up now as I am starting to die inside again? I want to reach out so badly to the man who was in my life but I have to give him respect to gain his life back.

I am not making the same mistake and asking him back and then running again. But I am crying inside for his arms to make the little girl feel safe in this world again.

I could always be in his arms and disappear from the world with my problems and everything felt safe again. I miss that. We only start to miss what we haven’t got.

How do we let our self drift apart from something that is good for us and then we cannot put it back together.

I am scared it will never be the same and I will not be accepted and I have done too much damage.

Yes we could just start again but there is too much history for that and going backwards in life is never the answer.

Well there it is all my stuff out that I cannot share with anyone at the moment as it will ruin and hurt a lot of people. (just like when I was not believed when I was young, if I told the story I would ruin all around me.

wow stuck in it again) so I stay in my fear till I can face it with strength and know what makes me happy.

 

FINDING CLOSER

I fear five a clock every day

FINDING CLOSER

This is my worse time of the day having to deal with my Childs melt downs of abuse towards me and feeling lonely.

I wish had help at this time of the day. I am alone and hate it and just want to pack my bags and run and keep running. I am weak and am tired of life treating me like I am a piece of shit and It is my own child how can I run I have to face it.

All I want is someone to be there around this time but I guess some things you are meant to face alone.

I am caught up between a soul mate and a lover. Trying to deal with my mixed emotion and my son mixed emotions is really challenging and hard. I have to be strong, but all I want to do is collapse into supporting arms and disappear. A well knows the feeling of mine.

This time I have to just try to let it out the best way I know how and that is writing. I still question life and what makes us happy and till I figure this out I will always be looking back to the comforts I had.

A friend said I will be with the one I love with my heart. I still question that too.
Why do I fear five a clock every day
This is my worse time of the day having to deal with my Childs melt downs of abuse towards me and feeling lonely. I wish had help at this time of the day. I am alone and hate it and just want to pack my bags and run and keep running.

I am weak and am tired of life treating me like I am a piece of shit and It is my own child how can I run I have to face it. All I want is someone to be there around this time but I guess some things you are meant to face alone. I am caught up between a soul mate and a lover. Trying to deal with my mixed emotion and my son mixed emotions is really challenging and hard.

I have to be strong, but all I want to do is collapse into supporting arms and disappear. A well knows the feeling of mine. This time I have to just try and let it out the best way I know how and that is writing. I still question life and what makes us happy and till I figure this out I will always be looking back to the comforts I had.

A friend said I will be with the one I love with my heart. I still quI fear five a clock every day
This is my worse time of the day having to deal with my Childs melt downs of abuse towards me and feeling lonely. I wish had help at this time of the day. I am alone and hate it and just want to pack my bags and run and keep running.

Im weak and am tired of life treating me like I am a piece of shit and It is my own child how can I run I have to face it. All I want is someone to be there around this time but I guess some things you are meant to face alone.  Caught up between a soul mate and a lover. Trying to deal with my mixed emotion and my son mixed emotions is really challenging and hard. I have to be strong, but all I want to do is collapse into supporting arms and disappear.

A well knows the feeling of mine. This time I have to just try and let it out the best way I know how and that is writing. I still question life and what makes us happy and till I figure this out I will always be looking back to the comforts I had. A friend said I will be with the one I love with my heart.

I still question that too.
Why do I give myself a hard time about life it should be easy to meet some and live a life of work, play and no stress? I feel I create my own stress by not living in the now and keep trying to make it all perfect. Got to get this done, got to make this work. When children are involved you tend to think of what they need not your needs. I think one day I will get my turn in life and have my own place of happiness.
I cannot ring my closest friend as she is friends with whom I feel was my soul mate. I don’t want to reach out because he needs to move on his journey and find his strengths as this was not possible with me around. I am seeing it now we both needed to be apart to gain strength on our own. I think i will never be happy till I find strength in my heart and voice again.
So I guess this is how it flows until I see the light of life as it is painted out for me.
I am sorry I know you might read this but this blog is for me to let go and not show the people around me how dysfunctional I am. Who reads this is people fare away that cannot affect me or look into my eyes and see the pain I am going through. Yes we all put on that happy face and life s great to everyone but sometimes life is not so great.
I live in paradise but I am not in paradise yet. My paradise is the beach not the bush. The bush is some one else’s paradise not mine.
I THINK I KEEP REACHING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT FOUND CLOSER
HOW DO I DO THIS?
estion that too.
Why do I give myself a hard time about life it should be easy meet some and live a life of work, play and no stress? I feel I create my own stress by not living in the now and keep trying to make it all perfect. Got to get this done, got to make this work. When children are involved you tend to think of what they need not your needs. I think one day I will get my turn in life and have my own place of happiness.
I cannot ring my closest friend as she is friends with whom I feel was my soul mate. I don’t want to reach out because he needs to move on his journey and find his strengths as this was not possible with me around. I am seeing it now we both needed to be apart to gain strength on our own. I think i will never be happy till I find strength in my heart and voice again.
So I guess this is how it flows until I see the light of life as it is painted out for me.
I am sorry I know you might read this but this blog is for me to let go and not show the people around me how dysfunctional I am. Who reads this is people fare away that cannot affect me or look into my eyes and see the pain I am going through. Yes we all put on that happy face and life s great to everyone but sometimes life is not so great.
I live in paradise but I am not in paradise yet. My paradise is the beach not the bush. The bush is some one else’s paradise not mine.
I THINK I KEEP REACHING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT FOUND CLOSER
HOW DO I DO THIS?
I give myself a hard time about life it should be easy meet some and live a life of work, play and no stress? I feel I create my own stress by not living in the now and keep trying to make it all perfect. Got to get this done, got to make this work. When children are involved you tend to think of what they need not your needs. I think one day I will get my turn in life and have my own place of happiness.
I cannot ring my closest friend as she is friends with whom I feel was my soul mate. I don’t want to reach out because he needs to move on his journey and find his strengths as this was not possible with me around. I am seeing it now we both needed to be apart to gain strength on our own. I think i will never be happy till I find strength in my heart and voice again.
So I guess this is how it flows until I see the light of life as it is painted out for me.
I am sorry I know you might read this but this blog is for me to let go and not show the people around me how dysfunctional I am. Who reads this is people fare away that cannot affect me or look into my eyes and see the pain I am going through. Yes we all put on that happy face and life s great to everyone but sometimes life is not so great.
I live in paradise but I am not in paradise yet. My paradise is the beach not the bush. The bush is some one else’s paradise not mine.
I THINK I KEEP REACHING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT FOUND CLOSER
HOW DO I DO THIS?

Feelings of Numb

I have become so numb over my life. How do we let this happen? Life becomes a routine of things to do. Wake up coffee, work, kids and sleep. Then do it all again, when do we have time to feel what makes us alive and feel again.

When we shut down it is hard to find our feelings again. Does this come from way back and then have someone crush us so hard we don’t rely upon we become numb. I shut down as a little girl then used drugs and stripping to feel alive again only to find behind closed doors I was still was that lost lonely little girl.

 We only grow when we face our past and work on our inner child. As scary as it may be baby steps will lead the way. Breaking it down over the past years I am able to face my fears. Understand and pause and reframe my mind to collect the information and accept who I am today. Theses sadness still comes when I am alone but they don’t last as long as they used too. I accept that it is ok to seat in sadness some times.

 

 

Poem

When I am numb I fiddle with my thumbs

When I am sad I reframe to glad

When I am angry it really scares me

Being true to you takes a lot of courage

So do not hide your feelings let them flourish

We are all human so let someone in close to you

So when you are alone behind closed doors

You know they are there with you in spirit and love.

And home feels like home to you.