Absence

I have been absence for a reason, things have been difficult to put into words. I have done another cycle, but that’s not all. One thing I cannot mention because the law prohibited. But I can talk about me; I have been lost alone and unhappy pretending I am ok.  Now I am back with the magic man and have to face that this is good for me and my child and its ok to ask for help and accept love and help when needed. I can still be my person at the same time. I am starting to realise that if I just let life be and not try to control it and be happy within myself, I have found love and happiness. My heart wants to jump in and give all, but my head does take over and says be careful. If I let all go, I feel I will just want to hide and be scared. My work is finally kicking off, and it is exciting I have some great ideas but needs work out. So my job is now to break these cycles and talk about it as I feel it coming on so can prevent this all happening again.

Five Additions of mine

I am forcing myself to a self-journey which is very unfamiliar to me. I have always needed someone near me to guide me and make me feel safe and loved. I Have a lot of additions and demons to fight. Now is a time for me to separate and be aware of my habits, by doing this I have had to push some of my friends away that have been close to me so I can see clearly without distraction and feelings of being comfortable and stuck. They say until you’re happy in your skin you will not be happy with anyone else. This is going to be scary, lonely and challenging. But the cycles must stop. Continue reading “Five Additions of mine”

Poem of loss ???

Well they say spending lots of time together will make you or break you. I think I have accomplished both. We spent a week together, bush walking, camping and hanging out at home, just the two of us. As you read the other post you can see our journey unfold. My feelings are scared and confused; I feel I have damaged the one person that adores me by my silly mistakes i have always made in my life. My magic man is not the same, he is doing lots of thinking and me thinking the worst i have pushed him away and that hurts to say. Continue reading “Poem of loss ???”

Diary

The last few days have been a battle for me, old patterns of thinking, those cycles of disbelief and of not feeling worthy. I use to be happy, well maybe I thought I was but now its hard to find that word happy and live it. Life gives us struggles to see how we work out our mistakes and learn, but hey this is too long I am sick of trying to learn, I just want to be happy again. I am clinging to things to run and hide with, I just want to be busy again and feel like I have a successful  life. I need to let go of all those material worries and look at who is beside me. The other day I sat down on the couch I become so numb and frozen my hands started to tremble, I sat for 30 min thinking what is wrong with me. I do not think this is how it is meant to be.

The Past Abuse

Wow, where to begin. As I am trying to think of which bad experience to right about, my neck starts to tighten and my throat feels like someone is choking me, my mouth is filling with saliva not knowing what to say, so I am going to start with what came up when I was self coaching myself the other day.

I use to get called dumb and stupid a lot, this was when I was around 12 years old (well I remember it always happening) by my step brother and then I married into that, how does that work? the fears and disbeliefs we go through as a child we carry that into our adult hood, unless we learn to stand up and believe in our selves,  we will still keep attracting it.

Continue reading “The Past Abuse”