As I sit, here thinking of the hurt I put someone through. Saying sorry will not change my actions I have already done.
The feeling of losing someone’s trust because you could not trust yourself.
The pause in the text the insecurity talks through your head.
I have made some big bad mistakes, not know why but the feeling of losing is not nice.
I have been absence for a reason, things have been difficult to put into words. The done another cycle, but that’s not all.
One thing I cannot mention because the law prohibited. But I can talk about me; lost alone and unhappy pretending I am ok. Now I am back with the magic man and have to face that this is good for me and my child. Its ok to ask for help. Accept love and help when needed. Can still be my person at the same time.
I am starting to realise that if I just let life be and not try to control it and be happy within myself. I have found love and happiness. My heart wants to jump in and give all,
but my head does take over and says be careful. If I let all go, I feel I will just want to hide and be scared.
My work is finally kicking off, and it is exciting I have some great ideas but needs work out. So my job is now to break these cycles and talk about it as I feel it coming on so can prevent this all happening again.
I am forcing myself to a self-journey which is very unfamiliar to me. I have always needed someone near me to guide me and make me feel safe and loved. I Have a lot of additions and demons to fight. Now is a time for me to separate and be aware of my habits, by doing this I have had to push some of my friends away that have been close to me so I can see clearly without distraction and feelings of being comfortable and stuck. They say until you’re happy in your skin you will not be happy with anyone else. This is going to be scary, lonely and challenging. But the cycles must stop. Continue reading “Five Additions of mine”
Well they say spending lots of time together will make you or break you. I think I have accomplished both. We spent a week together, bush walking, camping and hanging out at home, just the two of us. As you read the other post you can see our journey unfold. My feelings are scared and confused; I feel I have damaged the one person that adores me by my silly mistakes i have always made in my life. My magic man is not the same, he is doing lots of thinking and me thinking the worst i have pushed him away and that hurts to say. Continue reading “Poem of loss ???”
The last few days have been a battle for me, old patterns of thinking, those cycles of disbelief and of not feeling worthy. I use to be happy, well maybe I thought I was but now its hard to find that word happy and live it. Life gives us struggles to see how we work out our mistakes and learn, but hey this is too long I am sick of trying to learn, I just want to be happy again. I am clinging to things to run and hide with, I just want to be busy again and feel like I have a successful life. I need to let go of all those material worries and look at who is beside me. The other day I sat down on the couch I become so numb and frozen my hands started to tremble, I sat for 30 min thinking what is wrong with me. I do not think this is how it is meant to be.