The last few days have been a battle for me, old patterns of thinking, those cycles of disbelief and of not feeling worthy. I use to be happy, well maybe I thought I was but now its hard to find that word happy and live it. Life gives us struggles to see how we work out our mistakes and learn, but hey this is too long I am sick of trying to learn, I just want to be happy again. I am clinging to things to run and hide with, I just want to be busy again and feel like I have a successful life. I need to let go of all those material worries and look at who is beside me. The other day I sat down on the couch I become so numb and frozen my hands started to tremble, I sat for 30 min thinking what is wrong with me. I do not think this is how it is meant to be.
Wow, where to begin. As I am trying to think of which bad experience to right about, my neck starts to tighten and my throat feels like someone is choking me, my mouth is filling with saliva not knowing what to say, so I am going to start with what came up when I was self coaching myself the other day.
I use to get called dumb and stupid a lot, this was when I was around 12 years old (well I remember it always happening) by my step brother and then I married into that, how does that work? the fears and disbeliefs we go through as a child we carry that into our adult hood, unless we learn to stand up and believe in our selves, we will still keep attracting it.
OMG it has been a roller coaster, emotional weekend, which should have been a magic one. Let me set the scene for you. My ex has been away in Thailand living a different life, away from his child and decides to come back and start looking after his boy again, which is great for my boys heart but I think for him, personally maybe not. So I drop him off and head off to my mans house to spend some time alone together, not thinking anything but and then my emotions take over without realising and I shut down like I used to with the ex, not fucking good, I hate this feeling of not feeling. I did not realise until later that I had shut down, feeling sick about my boy, is he ok?
The tears we feel when we have no hope
The power we feel when we are alone
The magic we hope to find at the end of the rope
The time we suffer in silence hoping that no one will find us
find us in this state of depth of darkness
The lost little girl who no one believed
The diary she had to leave
Every thing was in that diary her heart her soul and her beliefs.
so this is where she ran away to the darkness and the darkness had begun
She was lost, never to be found… until now
this is where her life has just begun
her new journey with love around
This has been a great journey over 2017. I will be rereading and revamping all my post to create more traffic. The post date of originals will be in there and new stuff added to how it is now.
This is a diary of my life struggles and joy, that have made me who I am today. We all have a story of why we are whom we are today. This is mine, hoping you will enjoy and be hungry for more.
So it will be scatted events and stories of my life of struggle, happiness and abuse as I put it all together. Don’t look into my stories and see the pain I was in
Look into my story’s and see the strength I have become. I lost myself as a little girl and have been struggling to conquer and be strong, and find the real women I truly am today.
I also lost myself over my marriage as is shut down due to verbal abuse over the years. this has been hard to regain strength and find out who I am. Things so simple as what I like to do eat and so on. When your with some one for so long, I ended up doing and eating what they liked as I lost myself and courage to say the things that had meaning to me.
!It is hard to loose a heart you say! but I did and am still struggling with the I love you thingy. It is a lost feeling I am still learning to find out what is the meaning of love to me. So now I need to be strong in my head and create magic as I use to know it.
To many people just say, !I love you! without actions backing it up. It is too easy for people to just walk away and shut down and think they can do this, but it hurts and it is hard to fall in love again.