Sexual Abuse

The pain has surfaced again.

 

Just when you think you have dealt with your past, something happens and turns it all upside down.

Thinking I had faced and worked on my child abuse but yet here I am again. This time it is stronger and I am angry.

But before I accepted and thought it was my fault for leading these abuses on as a 10-year-old does.

I am feeling sick and am shocked.

Want to reach out but feeling like no one is there to listen to me. Well, tell a lie I have someone very close to me and supporting me and I am very lucky. As they have pushed me to go get some professional help.

 I did get help when I was in my 20s but this needs to be dealt with again.

Yes, there is a  history as we all know of breaking up in my relationships and getting back together.

This will be written  like I am sending him a letter as it might sound better, no names I will call him Fred

Fred what happened the other morning was so wrong and it has stirred up a lot of things I thought I had dealt with. I am now suffering and in pain as I try to find a way to make this go away.

I have now reached the point of anger but still, finding it hard to release. As anger scares me. I am not wanted to lash out at you but I need to set myself free and talk about it.

This is how it went down for me.

knowing I am a very sexual girl but sometimes I just don’t feel like it and I say no. Fred did not see or hear my NO so he persisted.

It was early in the morning about 5 am; Fred had to get up and go to work. As always my Fred is horny in the morning and that’s ok. I don’t mind if he lies beside me and looks after himself I like listening to his noises. It makes me smile.

This morning he approached me and I said no don’t wake me I want to sleep. So Fred stars to try and get me involved by playing with my anal area with his finger as he plays with himself with the others hand. I said stop I don’t want to be woken let me sleep, don’t wake me.

  I pushed his had away, thinking he would roll over and attended to himself as he has done on other occasions. But now he persisted. I was on my side facing the wall and he was behind me.

So then he pulls my singlet up and starts rubbing his erect cock on my back, doing the pelvic thrust. Then my body went into shut down and it was all too familiar.

One of my sexual abuses lets call him James, use to sneak into my bedroom when I was about 10 years old. I was asleep but soon woke to James sliding into, my bed.

Yes, I was facing to wall and James came in from behind as he pushed his body against me. James rubbed himself on me and then He spat on his hand and slides his hand and fingers between my thighs, making sure my vagina was wet and slippery. James would play for while fingering me and making my pussy all slippery and wet. Then James would slide his hard cock in-between my legs, sliding back and forwards. Thrusting and grinding and breathing on my neck with pleasurable moaning sounds.

 I did not know what to do as he held my body tight to his as his cock slipped in and out of my vagina, not penetrating.  I body just shut down and was numb as I had to listen to his noises and feeling his heavy breathing on my neck as he was getting himself hard and pleasing himself.

Then he would leave and I would be numb and not being able to move or say anything and wet between my legs. I just wanted to scream and go wash. Feeling dirty and like I did something wrong.  My friend calls it rape; it is hard to think of it this way. But yes I was raped. Angry!

I want to share this with Fred but I feel it might break him and that’s not what I want to do. But I also want people to know that a small action you think is harmless can kill another person. like it has me.

I am now struggling and hope I can get through this, as it hurts and I still have not let go of it. Please see the signs and use your word and actions to stop what does not feeling good for you.

no is no and make sure you take control of your rights.

The Power of Emotions have a purpose even when they are unwanted

Emotions have a purpose even when they are unwanted.

We should not attempt to suppress them as we get taught to.

Our Emotions are energy that manifest in our body. This is from the neck down. To have the need to start paying attention to where our emotional energy in sitting and learn to breath and not hold a breath against it.

The other day I got some new and my feelings just started to come up out and I was a mess crying and feeling choked and the tension of loss all came flooding out through my heart and chest and thought.

This was a time to let go and breathe and feel and wallow in my own silence.

  Noticing and let it go and gaining clarity as we move and let it out and go. So pay attention to where it is manifesting in your body. Where is the tension tightness?

Emotions are a vital part of our being, because it is energy and energy cannot just disappear. The emotional energy generated by circumstances of childhood and early life just does not go away just because we do not face it and deny it, no. It is trapped in our body like a time bomb ready to explode.

If we don’t learn how to release it in a healthy way it will course us forms of sickness or cycles of not being able to achieve in life.

As long as we suppress the emotional energy and avoid dealing with it, these wounds will run our lives. We use food, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, work, religion, television, etc in keeping this all suppressed.

Our voice in our head keeps us from fronting and deal with suppressed energy, emotions. Our emotions tell us who we are. Souls communicate with us through emotional vibrations.

Our soul is what we feel in our heart and our gut, something that resonates. So was this feeling that guttered me from my soul that I am not listening to?

THERE IS TOO MUCH I CANNOT CHANGE.

I have created this world now I need to make it work.

When one of our buttons is pushed our unhealed childhood wounds are present it is hard to difference between intuitive emotions TRUTH and the emotional TRUTH which come from our childhood. The scared little kid inside us comes out in emotion we cannot explain.

http://powerfulpandorasdiary.com/2018/09/04/wild-soul-mate-take-it-and-run-with-it/

The wounds don’t go away. they have less power to dictate my life as I heal it.

I am on a spiritual journey and the force is with us.

Be kind to it heal yourself and live the life you want to live.

FEAR, will I end up in the right person’s eyes?

FEAR, will I end up in the right person’s eyes again?

I know this is a process I have chosen and now I have to work with it and truly find what I am searching for in my soul mate.

I know I have a lot to work on as I am not making these same mistakes again.

My life feels stuck at the moment want to release my desires. This must not be unleashed until I am certain. I am still not clear on what I don’t want and what I do want.

It’s like that relationship gone sour; to the point you don’t even want to hear what they are talking about. This always happens when my cycles come in and I get the feeling of running again.

Not wanting to be touch and this is all too real as it feels like my long relationship I had for 20 years. 

Yes I get Horney but I do not even want these desires to be filled.

I am starting to regret something I did and am feeling stuck and that dirty kind of feeling again.

Am I meant to be facing this again so I can tackle them face on, facing my fears I ran away from 4 years ago.

 This is coming up for me to face my fears and be done with them and be where I am meant to be with a soul mate. Life has funny ways of presenting things to us but obviously I have not completed this part of my feelings.

I know when I was forced to have sex as a child and as an adult I felt dirty after.

I just wanted to crawl up into a little ball after being in a hot shower, leaving my skin so red it looked like I had been sunburned.

Getting to the end of my married relationship I felt like a prostitute.

Having to perform sex as he had not had it for a month and I was made to feel guilty for him not having sex.

That I did not care for him. So I use to have sex with him then I only to just giving him a head job.

 I knew I had to get out and I could not pretend to love him anymore. This went on for years as I detracted in emotions and feelings.

I was dead my this time not know which was is up. Like falling in a pool when you have been drinking and trying to swim to the top only to find you ate swimming to the boot.

These feelings are back not his fault. I am waiting for the two-week when he finally gets his own place and I can start living in my space again. Maybe I should not wait as it is killing me inside again.

I am also waiting for the explosion of my son’s father. I have sent him two texts and am waiting for him to finally contact me and Jackson as he can now have contact with Jackson. So I am killing inside waiting again.

Why can’t I clear this up now as I am starting to die inside again? I want to reach out so badly to the man who was in my life but I have to give him respect to gain his life back.

I am not making the same mistake and asking him back and then running again. But I am crying inside for his arms to make the little girl feel safe in this world again.

I could always be in his arms and disappear from the world with my problems and everything felt safe again. I miss that. We only start to miss what we haven’t got.

How do we let our self drift apart from something that is good for us and then we cannot put it back together.

I am scared it will never be the same and I will not be accepted and I have done too much damage.

Yes we could just start again but there is too much history for that and going backwards in life is never the answer.

Well there it is all my stuff out that I cannot share with anyone at the moment as it will ruin and hurt a lot of people. (just like when I was not believed when I was young, if I told the story I would ruin all around me.

wow stuck in it again) so I stay in my fear till I can face it with strength and know what makes me happy.

 

The pain of Hurt Feelings

As I sit, here thinking of the hurt I put someone through. Saying sorry will not change my actions I have already done.

The feeling of losing someone’s trust because you could not trust yourself.

The pause in the text the insecurity talks through your head.

I have made some big bad mistakes, not know why but the feeling of losing is not nice.

I am not sure how I can make it back to the girl he first met that had lots of laughs. Continue reading “The pain of Hurt Feelings”