Feelings of Numb

I have become so numb over my life. How do we let this happen? Life becomes a routine of things to do. Wake up coffee, work, kids and sleep. Then do it all again, when do we have time to feel what makes us alive and feel again.

When we shut down it is hard to find our feelings again. Does this come from way back and then have someone crush us so hard we don’t relies we become numb. I shut down as a little girl then used drugs and stripping to feel a live again only to find behind closed doors I was still was that lost lonely little girl.

 We only grow when we face our past and work on our inner child. As scary as it may be baby steps will lead the way. Breaking it down over the past years I am able to face my fears. Understand and pause and reframe my mind to collect the information and accept who I am today. Theses sadness still comes when I am alone but they don’t last as long as they used too. I accept that it is ok to seat in sadness some times.

 

 

Poem

When I am numb I fiddle with my thumbs

When I am sad I reframe to glad

When I am angry it really scares me

Being true to you takes a lot of courage

So do not hide your feelings let them flourish

We are all human so let someone in close to you

So when you are alone behind closed doors

You know they are there with you in spirit and love.

And home feels like home to you.

Your Relationship

Your relationship

Your relationship is yours and not to be assessed by any one else’s. Every relationship has been different for me. We all grow and have different stages of our life. I grow through every relationship even the one night stands. When i was young I had fun relationships not much commitment just fun and enjoying hanging out. There was one guy I thought I was committed to when i was around 20 years old but I had to live more. Then I got caught up in the drug scene dating a drug dealer of ecstasy and having the time of my life. Those were the days of stripping and parting on the weekends. I must say though I never mixed the two together I always kept them separate. Work was work and fun was fun. !believe it or not!

Then after years I realised I had to stop the drugs before it took over me. Well I thought I was not that bad but still wanted to stop. I went to Melbourne for work and met my ex husband and moved to Melbourne. Now he came into my life to help me give up drugs. He was ante and did not do drug and that was great. Yeas it worked but then the control and obsessiveness came in. Me not reconsidering it until it was too late.

and who am I, with all the abuse and threats. It took me 20 years to wake up to that one. I guess that relationship served it purpose; he did teach me how to run my own business and give up drugs. But then I became his trophy.

(Imagine this, growing up in a world searching for your soul mate based merely on a formula that has a positive outcome. Each person you meet has their own piece of the formula, and with just a touch of the index finger, you immediately know whether or not that person is the one for you. Now imagine meeting countless people, and you notice some of your friends find their soul mate before you. You begin to feel like your formula isn’t right, so you pretend to choose someone as your soul mate and later after much time you realize you made a big mistake. You wanted to be like your friend just because you noticed those around you were getting into relationships meanwhile you didn’t take the time to find the right one for you based on your own needs.)

https://originalgoodgirl.com/2018/04/14/own-your-relationship/

Your relationship is yours and not to be assessed by any one else’s. Every relationship has been different for me. We all grow and have different stages of our life. I grow through every relationship even the one night stands. When I was young I had fun relationships not much commitment just fun and enjoying hanging out.

There was one guy I thought I was committed to when I was around 20 years old but I had to live more. Then I got caught up in the drug scene dating a drug dealer of ecstasy and having the time of my life. Those were the days of stripping and parting on the weekends. I must say though I never mixed the two together I always kept them separate. Work was work and fun was fun. !believe it or not! Then after years I realised I had to stop the drugs before it took over me. Well I thought I was not that bad but still wanted to stop. I went to Melbourne for work and met my ex husband and moved to Melbourne. Now he came into my life to help me give up drugs. He was ante and did not do drug and that was great. Yeas it worked but then the control and obsessiveness came in. Me not reconsidering it until it was too late. Losing my identity and who am I, with all the abuse and threats. It took me 20 years to wake up to that one. I guess that relationship served it purpose; he did teach me how to run my own business and give up drugs. But then I became his trophy.

Soul mates and connection is not what I was used to until I met a man, we talked a lot of deep emotional stuff connecting in a lot of different ways.  I learnt so much about myself. He was there to listen to support me in a lot of ways that where new to me. however I always felt like some thing was missing. not knowing what is was I left and went back many times to find learn, not sure. A relationship in my eyes become clearer as time went on,  Family and trust was a big part of my upbringing. I am still unclear of what went wrong but we all make choices and maybe some day I can look back and answer it. Now I see things in a different light. still unsure and for sure I get lots of laughs and mind stimulation. finding your true self could take years but enjoy day by day and let in unfold.

some points that help me.

• Accepting that someone loves you

• Feeling safe and content it is hard to describe.

• You will know it when you find it. All is covered and what you dreamed of.

• Support in the action, the way they do, not just talk, they take action about it, they listen without commenting, just let you talk.

• They remember what you have said and take action.

• The look says it all; you do not need to say I love you all the time.

• You are in a busy public place they will notice your mood change from a distance and ask if you’re ok, them knowing something is up

I AM STILL LEARNING WHAT THIS CONNECTION IS AND HOW LIFE IS MEANT TO BE. SOUL SEARCHING IS FOUND WHEN YOU STOP LOOKING AND ACCEPT WHAT WILL BE WILL BE.

 

Facing our fears

Facing our fears

Sad-Girl-on-a-Swing--107123 (333 x 444)This takes courage and not all of us are strong enough to do this all the time. I remember my first Rebirthing experience, it was traumatising and exhausting. I went into meditation thinking I knew what I was going to work on and instead it was about something very personal and scaring to me. The feeling of emotions rising through my body and having no control over, forced me to not want to go to that dark place again.

The sad little girl lost, alone and no one to talk to. Over the years I have slowly trusted very few therapists in working on my inner child. I would have to say one was when I was 20 years old (there bouts). The other has been over the last three years which has been my greatest results.

This lady is like an angel from heaven. Her name is sis (bodhi lane reiki Geelong Melbourne)Learning to listen to your inner soul and she works with counselling and healing in no other way you cannot describe. Her magic, her knowledge is beautifully combined. She has a gift to heal and understand. I would go in with trust and walk out with inner knowledge and feel the power of enlighten. I do miss her therapy.

Now I am in a land of new surroundings with emotional upheavals. Yes having not found that trusted person to let it all go and move forwards with. Friends are great but they too have their own opinion and beliefs that interfere with how the process should evolve. My partner is great, not a man of many words but a man of action, just being there and listening and the little things he does makes me feel safe and knowing there is some one always there for me.

IMG_0447 (333 x 444)I have been given my child as I learn how to not accept abuse. He is a walking image of his father. This is all learned behaviour. At the age of two he learnt how to manipulate and abuse his mother thinking this is what life’s all about because that what dad did. Now it is my job to reframe his mind and teach him the real life’s beauty of love and respect.

It is so hard to be treated wrong and feeling like you has no control and yet I keep trying because that’s what mums do best. Now I need to be strong stop feeling sorry for myself, reframing my thoughts and help change my boy’s outlook of life, as it can be a magic place to be in. Please think how you act as parents while your kids are young. They are sponges and only learn through what they see. Think pause and create magic for your kid’s future.

Fear kills all, don’t let it make you life miserable. Change the way you think from the moment you open your eyes. Let life take you on a happy journey.

 

THE PAIN OF THE ABUSE GIVEN FROM YOUR OWN CHILD.

THE PAIN OF THE ABUSE GIVEN FROM YOUR OWN CHILD.

Abuse

The pain of abuse given from your child is sickening and hard to keep it together. as a parent we like to think we are doing the right thing, but some times we have created a bad thing. Trying to change what he is use to getting away with is the hardest times I have faced.

Conflict

I used to cave and give into his continuing to ask for some thing as it easier than conflicting. I have created this and now I am not caving in and am sticking to my word I am getting the biggest abuse from him. he is swearing at me, throwing things at me and breaking things around him. I feel I am in danger and don’t feel safe around my own child.

Memory

This also brings up a lot of memories of 20 years of marriage, being abused and me shutting down to protect myself and feel nothing. to not have feelings again scares me, I like to feel happy and love and don’t want to shut that out but all I feel is hate towards abuse. my thought is noted and my gut is sick and I walk around with that plastic smile again.

Safe

My safe place is lying in bed after he is asleep, know there are no more words to hurt me. This also brings up child hood dads abuse against my step mum. She was verbally abused and thing thrown at her head and guns getting pointed at us to get out of the house at night (cold frosty nights ) I would sit there with her bring us warm cups of tea, we would hold them tight to keep our hands from freezing. We waited until he fell asleep at about 2am then sneaked into bed quietly. I had a short sleep as I had to get up for school the next day most of the time.

This is my child I cannot hate him, I would not hurt him and I would not leave him, but to sit back and take the abuse again not know what to do as nothing I say or do is working and it is eating me up inside.

Every time I eat I feel sick get pains in my stomach and as for crying I am a mum and must hold that in. we as mum need to be strong and feel strong to make sure we are there when they need us.

I am a single mum and here are some more stories

http://singlemum.com.au/blogs/#

I am also a life coach and try to help myself and others in seeing the positive ahead of us.

https://powerfulpandorasdiary.com/

Why do we still hold onto the past?

THE PAST

We hold on because it is familiar and that’s what we know until we learn and regain new knowledge. Whom it is does not matter but how it does matter.

Holding Onto feelings

This is about my last relationship, the one I was holding onto hoping my life would be magic and all I wanted it to be. But yes for reasons I feel what happened is different to the reason he thinks what happens.

So the ending is not good for both but life chooses this path for both. Maybe we still have somethings to learn about our selves that we could only do apart. That makes sense to me.

Anger

Anger is something I try not to hold or take with me, but this time I am finding it hard to let go and send off with love. I guess the truth of the unknown is what eats me. What makes me angry in what could of been. Accepting what is must be achieved to be able to live in what is now.

Bad habits

Now I am noticing a pattern just it is in a different format now. I used to go on dating sites on line to stimulate my guessing of life now mmm thinking I am stalking him for answers and closer only doing damage to both, not healthy.

Now I am noticing what is happening and what I am doing, time to change it for the better in both channels and find true happiness.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-happiness-feels-like-a-struggle-no-matter-what-you-do/