Ok everyone has some kind of trust issues with someone in some kind of way this is my feelings on trust.
I am a strong believer if you break the trust the lust is lost. I was in a relationship for 20 years and did not even look at any one or show that I was interested in any one I was faithful in the biggest way. I did not even do face book much or even have a conversation with the opposite sex unless I was allowed. During this relationship I was a stripper so I had many offers and phone numbers given to me but did not even go there. I went to work and went straight home. I had to text the ex I was in the car and on my way home, but my partner then always questioned me and did not trust me. Everything I did was a question and I felt guilty for things that weren’t true. So trust is very confusing I do the right thing and I still feel guilty. So to prove this to someone is a too hard basket. I already did that for 20 years, I am tired of that. This should just happen naturally, the things I do and say should be enough, not me questioning everything and thinking have I done enough to prove myself.
Stripping was my outlet, it was the one place i could still be myself, I did the most amazing stage shows, it was like acting on stage capturing the audience getting loud applauses it was a place where people well guys and staff and girls loved what I did and liked me. I stripped for over 15 years. I started in Queensland doing pub shows, then working in Sydney doing pub shows and stripper grams driving from house to house on a Saturday night with my cd player by myself. Then I went and did a tour in New Zealand to then moving and working in Melbourne at Bar 20. This was my prim days as I just did penthouse so I came to Melbourne as a star lol.
Well they say spending lots of time together will make you or break you. I think I have accomplished both. We spent a week together, bush walking, camping and hanging out at home, just the two of us. As you read the other post you can see our journey unfold. My feelings are scared and confused; I feel I have damaged the one person that adores me by my silly mistakes i have always made in my life. My magic man is not the same, he is doing lots of thinking and me thinking the worst i have pushed him away and that hurts to say. Continue reading “Poem of loss ???”
This is my first time camping and am child free just me and my magic man. It is fun but my mind keeps drifting in and out of question mode and emotions. Out here you have no choice but to feel, this brings back lots for me as it is a time to pause, lots to notice in each other, feelings for me of another commitment thingy. Continue reading “Camping”
The last few days have been an adventure and challenging time all at once. Trying to notice and feel without blocking or shutting down and going back into old habits. I finally did the walk with my magic man. This was huge for me as every time we booked this walk I would run and finish the relationship. Knowing this walk meant so much to him it was like a big commitment for me. The walk was amazing I was not going to give up even though it gave me struggles of physical and emotional challenges. In the beginning it was exciting not thinking of anything but what tree, bush or rocks I had to climb, go under or push my way through. Then there was a long period of just rocks in the gully, me just thinking got to get the end and see the river. Getting to the river, there was no water just more rocks, hey that’s ok, now my fear was the big hill to climb, omg it was massive but rewarding, it made me feel strong and capable of succeeding. Then I knew we were on our way home. The walk ended up 15kms taking 7 hours with a small break for lunch and snack. We did not stop moving one leg in front of the other the whole way. It was beautiful, amazing, lots of photos were taken, i have never felt so alive. My heart was pounding, I could feel my legs trembling and feeling the difference in air temperature, listening and seeing nature around me come alive. Life is so structured and it takes over us and we get stuck in a rut. What for? To please everyone else but ourselves.
Well I have been told that a blog is about happy times too. Today I am feeling happy but was not going to blog. Happy is an unfamiliar word to me, I feel it then quickly shut it down before it takes over me, but this week coming I want to forget and feel what happy is all about, this is my challenge and adventure and mmm scared to feel all at one time. So this week coming I am going on an adventure in the bush and just hoping to let go to the universe let it take me on a journey to feelings I have lost and blocked out and take me to a wild and crazy and amazing place of what I am meant to be feeing. Continue reading “Happy”