At the present I still think of what I had and what I have done and still question where I want to be. I am in paradise but still something is missing. I run I try to fix but all I need to do is find and be myself. I am learning to say what I want and what I need so I don’t stress. Sometimes I think am I going to be like a friend and be too picky on what I want. I know I want someone to connect in a deep way but also take the role of a supportive parent to my son. Not just treat him in away to be with me. This is something that is hard to expect from any one. My child is my life and I see it now you must be there for them not ask for what your needs are first. Mmmmm not sure if that made sense.
How I see my future is not seeing it yet. I guess to have someone fulfil my deepest emotions and me still being able to accept their needs in life too. I am finding communication and soul you can share anything together not one way is what I am craving. I also would like the load of life to be shared too. I am not put here to take care of anyone but my child. To help him grow and learn to be the best man he can be with his disability.
So now I am tuning into my needs and working with my child in helping him grow and feel loved.
I keep reaching out to what I knew felt good but in saying that I need to let go but I cannot because I know it was right I just need to figure out what was wrong for me to keep running away. Once I have figured that out I will understand myself and know what makes me happy.
I feel life is at stand still at the moment and lots go on around me. I am working on my business to keep me from focusing on the negative. I love work and making people feel good and the social is greater too.
Life you need a friend to talk to
You need a friend to express your crazy deep feelings with
And just your general social chit-chat to feel love and good about your self
So a purpose to feel good
A soul release
A chit-chat friend
And you to know who you are
My life has taken a big turn after leaving the needy behind, this is not an easy choice as I once needed them until I grew and made choices to heal and see my self as to whom I am today.
We, well I have a need to understand past experiences and to heal my body. Yes today is my birthday and feeling blessed with who is around my presence at the moment and all the magic happy birthdays I have received.
A perfect birthday is different for all, and yes I have been a wild child in my past. but getting to know myself, I am liking family , simple things in life that make the heart beat is the most important to me. As a child my sister and I were fostered into a family THAT PRO COULD NOT AFFORD two more children but family was the most important thing. This is why this is the biggest part of my life and happiness to me that has been missing is family
Our life was hard, abusive but they did the best they could with the recourses they had and I miss them so much, they where my life, my rock and the reason I am so strong today. You can do any thing in your life, your choice.
I was thinking of what I have achieve and the choices I made to be in a happy place for myself and yes lots of people struggle. I look and see that lots of people like to complain but still sit in there security of unhappiness. What I have done has been bloody hard facing my own demands and finding to truth, but worth it now.
This time in my life it is hard to explain but it is all falling into place every thing is perfect yes in my eyes. I have family, I am creating independence with work and enjoying looking out at my paradise I can call my home. I have finally made it to the dream of my life, that’s what I am feeling. I have still got lots to do and achieve and make this flow all the way. I will never stop working on myself and my dreams.
I would love to help others find them self and happiness towards their dreams in life that is my passion.
we all need to take a step back and look at how far we have come, what we have achieved and be happy with that. You can achieve any thing you like.
The journey begins,
The life that I am no longer hiding from. Dealing with the feelings as they come to me now. Yes I had a picture on how life was going to be but now I have to throw that away and start again, that’s ok I got this.
Where to start, I find out now that the past man has a lot of things he has not faced and this maybe why it drifted apart, as I have been facing what is put in front of me for some time now.
My cycles have been stopping and I am facing this head on now. my new relationship yes you read right. I have met some one and as crazy as it seems, I was not looking or doing my old habits (that one I refused to do again) and it just happened. The eyes met, it was easy to communicate and there was no expectations.
This time it was hi and see how it goes, have a milkshake, that easy. I feel like we have been together in an other life time as we have lots in coming and yes we are both treating it as friends, who knows where it ends.
SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN MY THOUGHT PATTERN THIS TIME ROUND
life journey blog
All the girly things and stuff when you first meet some one, like
- when they here you go to the toilet and you fart
- when you need to blow your nose and you stop yourself from looking at it first
- shy and hiding your body around them
- picking at your feet or body parts in front of them
- when you first get into bed with each other covering up
- cleaning your teeth for the first time in front of them
- seeing each other naked on the toilet
- talking about sexual stuff and not ashamed.
All of this is natural like we have been married for years, weird but hey that’s what is going down. Yes my brain still say go slow but my other says this is easy, and then you get that crazy shit like you only just met him like.
This time round no running, only talking and facing it together and work it out. this is it, done and it will work.
My fairy tale is here, yep I am crazy but we all have to stop running and face the facts and what we what out of it.
one door closes one door opens
when you are sure of the closing of the door you see new opportunity comes to you. embrace don’t ask just trust what is in front of you. I have come to another time of disappointment, but this time it is different. I read, I felt, I got a message and said this is a passive control of capturing me and not setting me free. free to be my own person and learn my own way. yes there maybe mistakes but that my learning. lets hope next time round I can be shown the light with out the darkness. i feel this is where I belong and I will find my tribe here. the fun, laughter, spiritual crazy journey. the last two to three years have been big, I have fallen into dark places, I have bounce of walls and done some crazy stuff, I have done some bald moves not every one can do. yes never regret only learn that’s me. hard to let go but easy when the lesson is learned.
I have learned to pause and not fight as this just leads to unhappy spite.
to be controlled is hard to see as passive as it can be
The life changing experience is about to happen. The last three months have been a big turnaround for me. I have not been so pause in my life and I am starting to enjoy stopping and smelling the flowers. Don’t get me wrong I have still been up to a lot of crazy stuff, but that is just me. Yes I am still with my Magic man.
Black and white, I have sold my house and am moving to Queensland and this all happens on the 2nd of November. As for my Magic man, yes he is just as crazy as me, he has left his job, finishing renovations on his house and selling it. Also building a push bike and riding it up to Cape York for charity that is close to his heart, Asperger’s, https://cycle.gofundraise.com.au/page/PerThomsen
The emotional side has been tough but kind to me as well. The selling and moving came about when my ex only claimed half of his wages for the year. He only worked for six months and was in Thailand with his girl friend for the other six months. So my child support was cut in half. I was not able to survive on my business as it was taking time to build up. So I had to make a big decision, before going code red in mortgage. Yes I had lots of support from friends and the two closest two me are amazing. So the whole idea was to sell and buy something for less money, pay off the car and bills and have a little in the bank. Well nothing was descent to live around here at the price I was looking at; my heart was dropping, feeling like a failure to my son. Not being able to give him something nice. I cracked the shits and started looking in Gympie, Queensland. I have a couple of good friends that way. In doing this I was risking my heart being torn apart, from leaving my Magic Man who is amazing. I went crazy with lots of emotions but holding it all together for the world to see I am strong and ok.
The place feels good and it is going to be an amazing adventure to settle down too.