FEAR, will I end up in the right person’s eyes again?
I know this is a process I have chosen and now I have to work with it and truly find what I am searching for in my soul mate. I know I have a lot to work on as I am not making these same mistakes again. My life feels stuck at the moment want to release my desires. But this must not be unleashed until I am certain in the future that I want to hold. I do know what I don’t want it keeps being put in my face at the moment.
It’s like that relationship gone sour; to the point you don’t even want to hear what they are talking about. Not even wanting to be touch and this is all too real as it feels like my long relationship I had. Yes I get Horney but I do not even want these desires to be filled. I am starting to regret something I did and am feeling stuck and that dirty kind of feeling again. Am I meant to be facing this again so I can tackle them face on, facing my fears I ran away from 4 years ago.
This is coming up for me to face my fears and be done with them and be where I am meant to be with a soul mate. Life has funny ways of presenting things to us but obviously I have not completed this part of my feelings. I know when I was forced to have sex as a child and as an adult I felt dirty after. I just wanted to crawl up into a little ball after showering in a hot shower leaving my skin so red it looked like I had been sunburned. Getting to the end of my married relationship I felt like a prostitute having to perform sex as he had not had it for a month and I was made to feel guilty for him not having sex and that I did not care for him. So I use to have sex with him then I only to just giving him a head job.
I knew I had to get out and I could not pretend to love him anymore. This went on for years as I detracted in emotions and feelings. I was dead my this time not know which was is up, like falling in a pool when you have been drinking and trying to swim to the top only to find you ate swimming to the boot. These feelings are back not his fault but I am waiting for the two-week when he finally gets his own place and I can start living in my space again. Maybe I should not wait as it is killing me inside again.
I am also waiting for the explosion of my son’s father. I have sent him two texts and am waiting for him to finally contact me and Jackson as he can now have contact with Jackson. So I am killing inside waiting again. Why can’t I clear this up now as I am starting to die inside again? I want to reach out so badly to the man who was in my life but I have to give him respect to gain his life back. I am not making the same mistake and asking him back and then running again. But I am crying inside for his arms to make the little girl feel safe in this world again. I could always be in his arms and disappear from the world with my problems and everything felt safe again. I miss that. We only start to miss what we haven’t got any sadder.
How do we let our self drift apart from something that is good for us and them we cannot put it back together. I am scared it will never be the same and I will not be accepted and I have done too much damage. Yes we could just start again but there is too much history for that.
Well there it is all my stuff out that I cannot share with anyone at the moment as it will ruin and hurt a lot of people (just like when I was not believed when I was young, if I told the story I would ruin all around me. wow stuck in it again) so I stay in my fear till I can face it with strength and know what makes me happy.