The weekends alone with my child are the hardest, this is were I feel the most pain of being alone, it brings back feelings of the separation with the ex. When leaving I try and grab strength to get out but I think I blocked all feelings so I was strong for my boy, now every time alone at home with my boy I fall apart, falling into the deepest hole. If I was alone no child I think I would not leave my bedroom and be a mess. Leaving the ex took a year of building up courage and hate towards every thing he said and did. When I told him it is over I made sure my son was around so he could not get angry and maybe hurt me. My son was having a bath and I was watching him he was about 4 years old, ex was sitting on the toilet (not going to the toilet) we spoke in a soft calm voice. He could not see why I was leaving him. he said I will give you the weekend alone with Jackson to give you time, so he left. There was threats you cannot leave me I will cut off your funds, shut down your email and face book and he did, the only one he could not shut down was my phone. I was strong now, so I sold my Toyota Hilux, sold my five horses, moved our cows back into our paddock, moved my float with all my horse stuff in it to my friends place and then off to get some milk, all in one day. I was driving away from home I saw his car pass me so I kept driving know he would be angry, I parked in front of the police station and waited for him to pull up behind me. Yes words were said he had some one spying on my movements, he got angry so I went to the police so they could follow me home and escort him off the premises till the weekend was over, like he said he was going to do.
I still feel these feelings, the ex used to fix it with buying me some thing or spending money. The core of it all is that I am struggling with money and having no money to hide behind and being poor means sadness as a child I am struggling with it all.
I need to snap out of this, accept the help around me, then move forward, lesson to self.