This is the time, the time of the day I feel lonely and lost that time of the day about 4pm in the afternoon. My child is home he demands all of my attention and I cannot think and I feel like I lose myself. He has to be right near me wanting me to watch TV all afternoon. Watching TV annoys me it feels like a waste of time and life. I think this comes from a couple of places, when I was young my parents use to make us watch the news and my ex use to just waste his weekends watching TV or eating. I feel locked into a life I am not choosing myself, which I have noticed hating being trapped into things I don’t feel like doing. This is when I text and call out for attention but not going to this time just going try to work out what else I can do to distract myself. Hey this is it at the moment vino and writing, still feel like I am texting just don’t get a response. Must hold it together not text the wrong people or the ones I have pushed away must do this myself. I am just looking for that void to fill that hole, that must be done within myself.
THIS IS MY LONELY TIMES.
My 4 lonely fears
1. Having to face being a mother on my own.
2. Being stuck without communicating with others
3. Not being able to make my own decisions. Someone takes over
4. Turning to what makes me feel numb alcohol, Self destruction
How to stop these feeling is not in reach of my resources yet. Day by day hoping it will get easier. I have not help with looking after my child as he is a difficult child and needs me close. As for his father comes and goes as it works for him.