The pain has surfaced again.
Just when you think you have dealt with your past, something happens and turns it all upside down. I thought I had faced and worked on my child abuse but yet hear I am again. This time it is stronger and I am angry. Where’s as before I accepted and thought it was my fault for leading these abuses on.
I am feeling sick and am chocked. Want to reach out but no one is there to listen. Well tell a lie I have some one very close to me and supporting me and am very lucky. As they have pushed me to go get some professional help.
I did get help when I was in my 20s but this needs to be dealt with again now.
Yes I have a history as we all know of breaking up in my relationships and getting back together.
This time I need not to be doing this anymore and sort this out alone. Which is my scariest thing I could think of, maybe jumping out of a plane would be scarer.
I will right this like I am sending him a letter as it might sound better, no names I will call him Fred
Fred what happened the other morning was so wrong and it has stirred up a lot of things I have not dealt with. I am suffering and in pain as I try to find a way to make this go away. I have now reached the point of anger but still find it hard to release that. as anger scares me too. I am not wanted to lash out at you but I need to set myself free.
This is how it went down for me.
knowing I am a very sexual girl but sometimes I just don’t want it and I say no. Fred did not see or hear my NO so he persisted. It was early in the morning about 5am; Fred had to get up and go to work. As always my Fred is horny in the morning and that’s ok. I don’t mind if he lies beside me and looks after himself I like listening to his noises. It makes me smile. This morning he approached me and I said no don’t wake me I want to sleep. So Fred stars to try and get me involved playing with my anal area with his finger as he plays with himself with the others hand. I said stop I don’t want to be woken let me sleep, don’t wake me.
I pushed his had away, thinking he would roll over and attended to himself like he has done on other occasions. But no he persisted. I was on my side facing the wall and he was behind me. So then he pulls my singlet up and starts rubbing his erect cock on my back, doing the pelvic thrust. Then my body went into shut down and it was all too familiar.
One of my sexual abuses let call him James, use to sneak into my bedroom when I was about 10 years old. I was asleep but soon woke to James sliding into my bed. Yes I was facing to wall and James came in from behind as he pushed his body against me. James rubbed himself on me and then He spat on his hand and slides his hand and fingers between my thighs, making sure my pussy was wet and slippery. James would play for while fingering me and making my pussy all slipper and so wet. Then James would slide his hard cock in-between my legs, sliding back and forwards. Thrusting and grinding and breathing on my neck with pleasurable moaning sounds.
I did not know what to do as he held my body tight to his as his cock slipped in and out of my lips of my pussy, not penetrating. I just shut down listening to his noises and feeling his heavy breathing on my neck as he was getting himself hard and pleasing himself. Then he would leave and I would be numb not able to move or say anything and wet between my legs. I just wanted to scream and go wash myself. Feeling dirty and like I did something wrong. My friend calls it rape; it is hard to think of it this way. But yes I was raped. Angry!
I want to share this with Fred but I feel it might break him and that’s not what I want to do. But I also want people to know that a small action you think is harmless can kill another person.
I am now struggling and hope I can get through this one as it hurts and still have not let go of it to anyone. Please see the signs and use your word and actions to stop what is not feeling good for you.