Emotional Feelings

                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Let’s paint a picture of how this went. It was about 2pm in the afternoon magic man and I are doing some blogging stuff sipping port, all is good. Then we get the fire started as we keep drinking before dinner. Onto the red vino now we start playing our usual games of talking about our feelings. This game we made up, like all our little games. This time one would pick past, present or future and the other would ask a personal question relating to that time of their life. So as you can guess we got some pretty juicy information about each other. It is always dangerous playing these games you can find out a lot you would not even think or want to say in general life.

This has always been our way of communicating and becoming very close to each other. Then it went all wrong, first time this has happened. Now I am going to give you two sides of the story because this never happens in the real world and one gets judge wrongly on just hearing one side of the story. So I asked a question on his past, that’s what he picked and it was a question on how was it when we had a break in our relationship with that other person. I got some good info liked but then it backfired. We both like to tell each other everything not keeping any from each other. Then he ask me some question cannot remember but I told him something about when we had the break up I was with someone too, which I had not mentions because I did not want to hurt him. Well from his eyes I kept a secret and that killed him. I felt like I was only protecting him but instead I broke our trust. OMG my body shut down he stopped talking to me, me feeling nothing still trying to make our conversation work. This has never happened to us well maybe me but not him shutting down too. Me thinking how can you fix this? So dinner was served I could not eat feeling sick and numb. I went to bed leaving him there after trying to get him to talk thinking that might work but no he did not talk. That night and morning and the drive home well half way home, mind you this is a 5 hour drive home, silence. My body went into shut down as usual, thinking of leaving going home hiding in my bed and disappearing from the world.  He was driving and then he pulled over very erratically and looks at me and says don’t you shut down on me and run again, you need to fix it this time. I did not know what to say my body was cold not feeling a thing I took his hand, his body was trembling and his lips too, I wanted to feel and say the right words to fix it but all that came out was yes I have shut down, so he drove off. You could see he was not thinking straight just lots of sad feelings. I was thinking the worst by now just wanting to grab something sharp maybe a knife and stab myself in the leg just to feel something. Then I had those old memories of me when I was in my 20s of cutting my legs with a knife and another time in a night club bathroom breaking a glass and stabbing my wrist with it, cutting close to the veins. I thought I wanted to kill myself but maybe I was numb and just wanted to feel, I also wanted someone to notice me, that feeling of being alone scared sad little girl. I turn to him and spoke, spoke of some of my past and me noticing this is a cycle of mine that needs to stop and kind of realising where it was coming from. With me speaking out loud of this I could hear myself talk and it was making sense to me. Now I feel I can recognise this pattern and stop it and stop it from recurring and hurting the only person who has understood me.

We all need to recognise these cycles of life that keep taking over and making life worse and hard to live with.

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