FINDING CLOSER

I fear five a clock every day

FINDING CLOSER

This is my worse time of the day having to deal with my Childs melt downs of abuse towards me and feeling lonely. I wish had help at this time of the day. I am alone and hate it and just want to pack my bags and run and keep running. I am weak and am tired of life treating me like I am a piece of shit and It is my own child how can I run I have to face it.

All I want is someone to be there around this time but I guess some things you are meant to face alone. I am caught up between a soul mate and a lover. Trying to deal with my mixed emotion and my son mixed emotions is really challenging and hard. I have to be strong, but all i want to do is collapse into supporting arms and disappear. A well know feeling of mine. This time I have to just try to let it out the best way I know how and that is writing. I still question life and what makes us happy and till I figure this out I will always be looking back to the comforts I had. A friend said I will be with the one I love with my heart. I still question that too.
Why do I fear five a clock every day
This is my worse time of the day having to deal with my Childs melt downs of abuse towards me and feeling lonely. I wish had help at this time of the day. I am alone and hate it and just want to pack my bags and run and keep running. I am weak and am tired of life treating me like I am a piece of shit and It is my own child how can I run I have to face it. All I want is someone to be there around this time but I guess some things you are meant to face alone. I am caught up between a soul mate and a lover. Trying to deal with my mixed emotion and my son mixed emotions is really challenging and hard. I have to be strong, but all i want to do is collapse into supporting arms and disappear. A well know feeling of mine. This time I have to just try and let it out the best way I know how and that is writing. I still question life and what makes us happy and till I figure this out I will always be looking back to the comforts I had. A friend said I will be with the one I love with my heart. I still quI fear five a clock every day
This is my worse time of the day having to deal with my Childs melt downs of abuse towards me and feeling lonely. I wish had help at this time of the day. I am alone and hate it and just want to pack my bags and run and keep running. I am weak and am tired of life treating me like I am a piece of shit and It is my own child how can I run I have to face it. All I want is someone to be there around this time but I guess some things you are meant to face alone. I am caught up between a soul mate and a lover. Trying to deal with my mixed emotion and my son mixed emotions is really challenging and hard. I have to be strong, but all i want to do is collapse into supporting arms and disappear. A well know feeling of mine. This time I have to just try and let it out the best way I know how and that is writing. I still question life and what makes us happy and till I figure this out I will always be looking back to the comforts I had. A friend said I will be with the one I love with my heart. I still question that too.
Why do I give myself a hard time about life it should be easy meet some and live a life of work, play and no stress? I feel I create my own stress by not living in the now and keep trying to make it all perfect. Got to get this done, got to make this work. When children are involved you tend to think of what they need not your needs. I think one day I will get my turn in life and have my own place of happiness.
I cannot ring my closest friend as she is friends with whom I feel was my soul mate. I don’t want to reach out because he needs to move on his journey and find his strengths as this was not possible with me around. I am seeing it now we both needed to be apart to gain strength on our own. I think i will never be happy till I find strength in my heart and voice again.
So I guess this is how it flows until I see the light of life as it is painted out for me.
I am sorry I know you might read this but this blog is for me to let go and not show the people around me how dysfunctional I am. Who reads this is people fare away that cannot affect me or look into my eyes and see the pain I am going through. Yes we all put on that happy face and life s great to everyone but sometimes life is not so great.
I live in paradise but I am not in paradise yet. My paradise is the beach not the bush. The bush is some one else’s paradise not mine.
I THINK I KEEP REACHING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT FOUND CLOSER
HOW DO I DO THIS?
estion that too.
Why do I give myself a hard time about life it should be easy meet some and live a life of work, play and no stress? I feel I create my own stress by not living in the now and keep trying to make it all perfect. Got to get this done, got to make this work. When children are involved you tend to think of what they need not your needs. I think one day I will get my turn in life and have my own place of happiness.
I cannot ring my closest friend as she is friends with whom I feel was my soul mate. I don’t want to reach out because he needs to move on his journey and find his strengths as this was not possible with me around. I am seeing it now we both needed to be apart to gain strength on our own. I think i will never be happy till I find strength in my heart and voice again.
So I guess this is how it flows until I see the light of life as it is painted out for me.
I am sorry I know you might read this but this blog is for me to let go and not show the people around me how dysfunctional I am. Who reads this is people fare away that cannot affect me or look into my eyes and see the pain I am going through. Yes we all put on that happy face and life s great to everyone but sometimes life is not so great.
I live in paradise but I am not in paradise yet. My paradise is the beach not the bush. The bush is some one else’s paradise not mine.
I THINK I KEEP REACHING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT FOUND CLOSER
HOW DO I DO THIS?
I give myself a hard time about life it should be easy meet some and live a life of work, play and no stress? I feel I create my own stress by not living in the now and keep trying to make it all perfect. Got to get this done, got to make this work. When children are involved you tend to think of what they need not your needs. I think one day I will get my turn in life and have my own place of happiness.
I cannot ring my closest friend as she is friends with whom I feel was my soul mate. I don’t want to reach out because he needs to move on his journey and find his strengths as this was not possible with me around. I am seeing it now we both needed to be apart to gain strength on our own. I think i will never be happy till I find strength in my heart and voice again.
So I guess this is how it flows until I see the light of life as it is painted out for me.
I am sorry I know you might read this but this blog is for me to let go and not show the people around me how dysfunctional I am. Who reads this is people fare away that cannot affect me or look into my eyes and see the pain I am going through. Yes we all put on that happy face and life s great to everyone but sometimes life is not so great.
I live in paradise but I am not in paradise yet. My paradise is the beach not the bush. The bush is some one else’s paradise not mine.
I THINK I KEEP REACHING OUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOT FOUND CLOSER
HOW DO I DO THIS?

Fear of accepting your child is different.

We love our children dearly sometimes we hide behind the truth. I have been battling this for a long time. Now it has become dangerous. So I have pushed and faced the fact that this is not normal behaviour.

 

Yes everyone has their own input but not everyone has been around my child all the time. The things that happen behind closed doors, I have just been putting up with hoping everything will be normal soon. Yes we do have good days but then it goes back to verbal abuse and hitting and not letting me out of the room to breaking things.

Now we have started the medication and I am numb and not knowing what to feel. I listen to everyone having their opinion but how do I feel about this? I have had enough of the abuse and am going to go with the flow and see how this affects him. I am the mother in control and I will do what’s best for my child. But sometimes the heart gets in the way and we make some sad choices.

I do feel relieved and also concern, but I have always just wanted for him to fit in and have friends. WHEN YOUR MOTHER SENDS YOU A TEXT LIKE THIS,

The truth hurts.

I may have moved to paradise but i am not in paradise yet.

THE PAIN OF THE ABUSE GIVEN FROM YOUR OWN CHILD.

THE PAIN OF THE ABUSE GIVEN FROM YOUR OWN CHILD.

Abuse

The pain of abuse given from your child is sickening and hard to keep it together. as a parent we like to think we are doing the right thing, but some times we have created a bad thing. Trying to change what he is use to getting away with is the hardest times I have faced.

Conflict

I used to cave and give into his continuing to ask for some thing as it easier than conflicting. I have created this and now I am not caving in and am sticking to my word I am getting the biggest abuse from him. he is swearing at me, throwing things at me and breaking things around him. I feel I am in danger and don’t feel safe around my own child.

Memory

This also brings up a lot of memories of 20 years of marriage, being abused and me shutting down to protect myself and feel nothing. to not have feelings again scares me, I like to feel happy and love and don’t want to shut that out but all I feel is hate towards abuse. my thought is noted and my gut is sick and I walk around with that plastic smile again.

Safe

My safe place is lying in bed after he is asleep, know there are no more words to hurt me. This also brings up child hood dads abuse against my step mum. She was verbally abused and thing thrown at her head and guns getting pointed at us to get out of the house at night (cold frosty nights ) I would sit there with her bring us warm cups of tea, we would hold them tight to keep our hands from freezing. We waited until he fell asleep at about 2am then sneaked into bed quietly. I had a short sleep as I had to get up for school the next day most of the time.

This is my child I cannot hate him, I would not hurt him and I would not leave him, but to sit back and take the abuse again not know what to do as nothing I say or do is working and it is eating me up inside.

Every time I eat I feel sick get pains in my stomach and as for crying I am a mum and must hold that in. we as mum need to be strong and feel strong to make sure we are there when they need us.

I am a single mum and here are some more stories

http://singlemum.com.au/blogs/#

I am also a life coach and try to help myself and others in seeing the positive ahead of us.

https://powerfulpandorasdiary.com/

Mums story the end

Mums story the end

One day George said to me he wanted to go to England to find his family “just like that” that sounded OK! To me I understood this need of knowing and wanting to find out why and what happened for him to arrive in Australia and yet some part of his family was still in London. So I said go do what you have to do and said good bye to him as if he was going to work, I was used to him coming and going but it was usually just a drug binge some were close. This was “England London where in the hell was that”. Continue reading “Mums story the end”

The Past Abuse

Wow, where to begin. As I am trying to think of which bad experience to right about, my neck starts to tighten and my throat feels like someone is choking me, my mouth is filling with saliva not knowing what to say, so I am going to start with what came up when I was self coaching myself the other day.

I use to get called dumb and stupid a lot, this was when I was around 12 years old (well I remember it always happening) by my step brother and then I married into that, how does that work? the fears and disbeliefs we go through as a child we carry that into our adult hood, unless we learn to stand up and believe in our selves,  we will still keep attracting it.

Continue reading “The Past Abuse”