Sexual Abuse

The pain has surfaced again.

 

Just when you think you have dealt with your past, something happens and turns it all upside down.

Thinking I had faced and worked on my child abuse but yet here I am again. This time it is stronger and I am angry.

But before I accepted and thought it was my fault for leading these abuses on as a 10-year-old does.

I am feeling sick and am shocked.

Want to reach out but feeling like no one is there to listen to me. Well, tell a lie I have someone very close to me and supporting me and I am very lucky. As they have pushed me to go get some professional help.

 I did get help when I was in my 20s but this needs to be dealt with again.

Yes, there is a  history as we all know of breaking up in my relationships and getting back together.

This will be written  like I am sending him a letter as it might sound better, no names I will call him Fred

Fred what happened the other morning was so wrong and it has stirred up a lot of things I thought I had dealt with. I am now suffering and in pain as I try to find a way to make this go away.

I have now reached the point of anger but still, finding it hard to release. As anger scares me. I am not wanted to lash out at you but I need to set myself free and talk about it.

This is how it went down for me.

knowing I am a very sexual girl but sometimes I just don’t feel like it and I say no. Fred did not see or hear my NO so he persisted.

It was early in the morning about 5 am; Fred had to get up and go to work. As always my Fred is horny in the morning and that’s ok. I don’t mind if he lies beside me and looks after himself I like listening to his noises. It makes me smile.

This morning he approached me and I said no don’t wake me I want to sleep. So Fred stars to try and get me involved by playing with my anal area with his finger as he plays with himself with the others hand. I said stop I don’t want to be woken let me sleep, don’t wake me.

  I pushed his had away, thinking he would roll over and attended to himself as he has done on other occasions. But now he persisted. I was on my side facing the wall and he was behind me.

So then he pulls my singlet up and starts rubbing his erect cock on my back, doing the pelvic thrust. Then my body went into shut down and it was all too familiar.

One of my sexual abuses lets call him James, use to sneak into my bedroom when I was about 10 years old. I was asleep but soon woke to James sliding into, my bed.

Yes, I was facing to wall and James came in from behind as he pushed his body against me. James rubbed himself on me and then He spat on his hand and slides his hand and fingers between my thighs, making sure my vagina was wet and slippery. James would play for while fingering me and making my pussy all slippery and wet. Then James would slide his hard cock in-between my legs, sliding back and forwards. Thrusting and grinding and breathing on my neck with pleasurable moaning sounds.

 I did not know what to do as he held my body tight to his as his cock slipped in and out of my vagina, not penetrating.  I body just shut down and was numb as I had to listen to his noises and feeling his heavy breathing on my neck as he was getting himself hard and pleasing himself.

Then he would leave and I would be numb and not being able to move or say anything and wet between my legs. I just wanted to scream and go wash. Feeling dirty and like I did something wrong.  My friend calls it rape; it is hard to think of it this way. But yes I was raped. Angry!

I want to share this with Fred but I feel it might break him and that’s not what I want to do. But I also want people to know that a small action you think is harmless can kill another person. like it has me.

I am now struggling and hope I can get through this, as it hurts and I still have not let go of it. Please see the signs and use your word and actions to stop what does not feeling good for you.

no is no and make sure you take control of your rights.

Does my wall lock them out or keep me prisoner ?

captured or not

Does my wall lock them out or keep me prisoner?

Does my wall lock them out or keep me prisoner ?I am at no turning point

It is not a game

The feelings I don’t feel

I hind them in shame

Not knowing what to do any more

But what I already know

Is to shut them out and not feel any more

My life is not painful or is it in love

I just keep going about work and life’s jobs

Not sure if I will ever let someone in

As this is life as I know it is

So I guess I will keep running and keep all away

Because that is my life as in May

Maybe someday someone will know what to say

And make my wall fall away

You all have a nice day

The words that clutter our heads, negativity let’s try to reframe it to positive.

 The words that clutter our heads, negativity let’s try to reframe it to positive.

the positive out comes are from your thoughts you create.

Waking up is the most important mind-set you can grab? Stop pause lie there and thinking how do I want my day to be like.

This was me yesterday and yes it worked.

The day before yesterday was a day I would love to forget. I felt worthless, no good at being a mother and everything I said was out of anger and should not have been said out loud.

 

 When I Wake up in the morning I am going to approach everything with a smile, pause and think of how to redirect the negative into positive. It was amazing felt tired at the end of the day in the most different way. The satisfaction and calming way of tired.

The way life should feel at the end of the day.

 oppose to the other day. I was feeling of worthless and wanting to hide and crawl up into a little ball. I cried so hard my body was trembling and feelings of weakness.

To put it all down on paper released it into the universe and calmed down. Still feeling weak but release at the same time climbed into bed and let it go. I feel like calling someone as this is what usually happens but this time it is my turn to look after myself and work this out. Latterly I have been given by the universe time to myself and this has made me face me and make my own decisions.

Reframing the way you see things will help you move towards your goals of being happy.

Feelings of Numb

I have become so numb over my life. How do we let this happen? Life becomes a routine of things to do. Wake up coffee, work, kids and sleep. Then do it all again, when do we have time to feel what makes us alive and feel again.

When we shut down it is hard to find our feelings again. Does this come from way back and then have someone crush us so hard we don’t rely upon we become numb. I shut down as a little girl then used drugs and stripping to feel alive again only to find behind closed doors I was still was that lost lonely little girl.

 We only grow when we face our past and work on our inner child. As scary as it may be baby steps will lead the way. Breaking it down over the past years I am able to face my fears. Understand and pause and reframe my mind to collect the information and accept who I am today. Theses sadness still comes when I am alone but they don’t last as long as they used too. I accept that it is ok to seat in sadness some times.

 

 

Poem

When I am numb I fiddle with my thumbs

When I am sad I reframe to glad

When I am angry it really scares me

Being true to you takes a lot of courage

So do not hide your feelings let them flourish

We are all human so let someone in close to you

So when you are alone behind closed doors

You know they are there with you in spirit and love.

And home feels like home to you.

Feelings of Seperation

The weekends alone with my child are the hardest, this is were I feel the most pain of being alone, it brings back feelings of the separation with the ex. When leaving I try and grab strength to get out but I think I blocked all feelings so I  was strong for my boy, now every time alone at home with my boy I fall apart, falling into the deepest hole. If I was alone no child I think I would not leave my bedroom and be a mess. Leaving the ex took a year of building up courage and hate towards every thing he said and did. When I told him it is over I made sure my son was around so he could not get angry and maybe hurt me. Continue reading “Feelings of Seperation”