My heart has finally opened
Tonight I don’t speak
I just cry my self to sleep
as my heart has opened
and his heart is broken
I must keep it asleep
or he will run and I want to be able to keep
so I will sit quietly and
watch it unfold
my turn to be the one
of support in their darkness.
I have been absence for a reason, things have been difficult to put into words. The done another cycle, but that’s not all.
One thing I cannot mention because the law prohibited. But I can talk about me; lost alone and unhappy pretending I am ok. Now I am back with the magic man and have to face that this is good for me and my child. Its ok to ask for help. Accept love and help when needed. Can still be my person at the same time.
I am starting to realise that if I just let life be and not try to control it and be happy within myself. I have found love and happiness. My heart wants to jump in and give all,
but my head does take over and says be careful. If I let all go, I feel I will just want to hide and be scared.
My work is finally kicking off, and it is exciting I have some great ideas but needs work out. So my job is now to break these cycles and talk about it as I feel it coming on so can prevent this all happening again.
The last few days have been an adventure and challenging time all at once. Trying to notice and feel without blocking or shutting down and going back into old habits. I finally did the walk with my magic man. This was huge for me as every time we booked this walk I would run and finish the relationship. Knowing this walk meant so much to him it was like a big commitment for me. The walk was amazing I was not going to give up even though it gave me struggles of physical and emotional challenges. In the beginning it was exciting not thinking of anything but what tree, bush or rocks I had to climb, go under or push my way through. Then there was a long period of just rocks in the gully, me just thinking got to get the end and see the river. Getting to the river, there was no water just more rocks, hey that’s ok, now my fear was the big hill to climb, omg it was massive but rewarding, it made me feel strong and capable of succeeding. Then I knew we were on our way home. The walk ended up 15kms taking 7 hours with a small break for lunch and snack. We did not stop moving one leg in front of the other the whole way. It was beautiful, amazing, lots of photos were taken, i have never felt so alive. My heart was pounding, I could feel my legs trembling and feeling the difference in air temperature, listening and seeing nature around me come alive. Life is so structured and it takes over us and we get stuck in a rut. What for? To please everyone else but ourselves.
OMG it has been a roller coaster, emotional weekend, which should have been a magic one. Let me set the scene for you. My ex has been away in Thailand living a different life, away from his child and decides to come back and start looking after his boy again, which is great for my boys heart but I think for him, personally maybe not. So I drop him off and head off to my mans house to spend some time alone together, not thinking anything but and then my emotions take over without realising and I shut down like I used to with the ex, not fucking good, I hate this feeling of not feeling. I did not realise until later that I had shut down, feeling sick about my boy, is he ok?
Continue reading “Dear Diary, Seperation”