FEAR, will I end up in the right person’s eyes?

FEAR, will I end up in the right person’s eyes again?

I know this is a process I have chosen and now I have to work with it and truly find what I am searching for in my soul mate.

I know I have a lot to work on as I am not making these same mistakes again.

My life feels stuck at the moment want to release my desires. This must not be unleashed until I am certain. I am still not clear on what I don’t want and what I do want.

It’s like that relationship gone sour; to the point you don’t even want to hear what they are talking about. This always happens when my cycles come in and I get the feeling of running again.

Not wanting to be touch and this is all too real as it feels like my long relationship I had for 20 years. 

Yes I get Horney but I do not even want these desires to be filled.

I am starting to regret something I did and am feeling stuck and that dirty kind of feeling again.

Am I meant to be facing this again so I can tackle them face on, facing my fears I ran away from 4 years ago.

 This is coming up for me to face my fears and be done with them and be where I am meant to be with a soul mate. Life has funny ways of presenting things to us but obviously I have not completed this part of my feelings.

I know when I was forced to have sex as a child and as an adult I felt dirty after.

I just wanted to crawl up into a little ball after being in a hot shower, leaving my skin so red it looked like I had been sunburned.

Getting to the end of my married relationship I felt like a prostitute.

Having to perform sex as he had not had it for a month and I was made to feel guilty for him not having sex.

That I did not care for him. So I use to have sex with him then I only to just giving him a head job.

 I knew I had to get out and I could not pretend to love him anymore. This went on for years as I detracted in emotions and feelings.

I was dead my this time not know which was is up. Like falling in a pool when you have been drinking and trying to swim to the top only to find you ate swimming to the boot.

These feelings are back not his fault. I am waiting for the two-week when he finally gets his own place and I can start living in my space again. Maybe I should not wait as it is killing me inside again.

I am also waiting for the explosion of my son’s father. I have sent him two texts and am waiting for him to finally contact me and Jackson as he can now have contact with Jackson. So I am killing inside waiting again.

Why can’t I clear this up now as I am starting to die inside again? I want to reach out so badly to the man who was in my life but I have to give him respect to gain his life back.

I am not making the same mistake and asking him back and then running again. But I am crying inside for his arms to make the little girl feel safe in this world again.

I could always be in his arms and disappear from the world with my problems and everything felt safe again. I miss that. We only start to miss what we haven’t got.

How do we let our self drift apart from something that is good for us and then we cannot put it back together.

I am scared it will never be the same and I will not be accepted and I have done too much damage.

Yes we could just start again but there is too much history for that and going backwards in life is never the answer.

Well there it is all my stuff out that I cannot share with anyone at the moment as it will ruin and hurt a lot of people. (just like when I was not believed when I was young, if I told the story I would ruin all around me.

wow stuck in it again) so I stay in my fear till I can face it with strength and know what makes me happy.

 

Feelings of Numb

I have become so numb over my life. How do we let this happen? Life becomes a routine of things to do. Wake up coffee, work, kids and sleep. Then do it all again, when do we have time to feel what makes us alive and feel again.

When we shut down it is hard to find our feelings again. Does this come from way back and then have someone crush us so hard we don’t relies we become numb. I shut down as a little girl then used drugs and stripping to feel a live again only to find behind closed doors I was still was that lost lonely little girl.

 We only grow when we face our past and work on our inner child. As scary as it may be baby steps will lead the way. Breaking it down over the past years I am able to face my fears. Understand and pause and reframe my mind to collect the information and accept who I am today. Theses sadness still comes when I am alone but they don’t last as long as they used too. I accept that it is ok to seat in sadness some times.

 

 

Poem

When I am numb I fiddle with my thumbs

When I am sad I reframe to glad

When I am angry it really scares me

Being true to you takes a lot of courage

So do not hide your feelings let them flourish

We are all human so let someone in close to you

So when you are alone behind closed doors

You know they are there with you in spirit and love.

And home feels like home to you.

Poem of loss ???

Well they say spending lots of time together will make you or break you. I think I have accomplished both. We spent a week together, bush walking, camping and hanging out at home, just the two of us. As you read the other post you can see our journey unfold. My feelings are scared and confused; I feel I have damaged the one person that adores me by my silly mistakes i have always made in my life. My magic man is not the same, he is doing lots of thinking and me thinking the worst i have pushed him away and that hurts to say. Continue reading “Poem of loss ???”

Poem and Words

Behind closed doors no one knows

The painful happening that goes on

The smile we walk around with always bright

We find the pain ever so dark

Like for me a lost little girl

Alone and nothing to feel, always shutting down the body control

As I grow with in myself this blog is helping me let go of past life

I hope you find your way to grow and let go of all that is grey.