Author

pandora

pandora

I am a person just like you. Have been through struggles and have got help and coached my self to happiness. And am here to listen and help others achieve there happiness View all posts by Pandora

DiaryFeelings

Your Relationship

by pandora
written by pandora

Your Relationship

Your relationship is yours and not to be assessed by any one else’s. Every relationship has been different for me. We all grow and have different stages of our life. I grow through every relationship even the one night stands. When i was young I had fun relationships not much commitment just fun and enjoying hanging out. There was one guy I thought I was committed to when i was around 20 years old but I had to live more. Then I got caught up in the drug scene dating a drug dealer of ecstasy and having the time of my life. Those were the days of stripping and parting on the weekends. I must say though I never mixed the two together I always kept them separate. Work was work and fun was fun. !believe it or not!

Then after years I realised I had to stop the drugs before it took over me. Well I thought I was not that bad but still wanted to stop. I went to Melbourne for work and met my ex husband and moved to Melbourne. Now he came into my life to help me give up drugs. He was ante and did not do drug and that was great. Yeas it worked but then the control and obsessiveness came in. Me not reconsidering it until it was too late.

and who am I, with all the abuse and threats. It took me 20 years to wake up to that one. I guess that relationship served it purpose; he did teach me how to run my own business and give up drugs. But then I became his trophy.

T(Imagine this, growing up in a world searching for your soul mate based merely on a formula that has a positive outcome. Each person you meet has their own piece of the formula, and with just a touch of the index finger, you immediately know whether or not that person is the one for you. Now imagine meeting countless people, and you notice some of your friends find their soul mate before you. You begin to feel like your formula isn’t right, so you pretend to choose someone as your soul mate and later after much time you realize you made a big mistake. You wanted to be like your friend just because you noticed those around you were getting into relationships meanwhile you didn’t take the time to find the right one for you based on your own needs.)

https://originalgoodgirl.com/2018/04/14/own-your-relationship/

Your relationship is yours and not to be assessed by any one else’s. Every relationship has been different for me. We all grow and have different stages of our life. I grow through every relationship even the one night stands. When I was young I had fun relationships not much commitment just fun and enjoying hanging out.

There was one guy I thought I was committed to when I was around 20 years old but I had to live more. Then I got caught up in the drug scene dating a drug dealer of ecstasy and having the time of my life. Those were the days of stripping and parting on the weekends. I must say though I never mixed the two together I always kept them separate. Work was work and fun was fun. !believe it or not! Then after years I realised I had to stop the drugs before it took over me. Well I thought I was not that bad but still wanted to stop. I went to Melbourne for work and met my ex husband and moved to Melbourne. Now he came into my life to help me give up drugs. He was ante and did not do drug and that was great. Yeas it worked but then the control and obsessiveness came in. Me not reconsidering it until it was too late. Losing my identity and who am I, with all the abuse and threats. It took me 20 years to wake up to that one. I guess that relationship served it purpose; he did teach me how to run my own business and give up drugs. But then I became his trophy.

Soul mates and connection is not what I was used to until I met a man, we talked a lot of deep emotional stuff connecting in a lot of different ways.  I learnt so much about myself. He was there to listen to support me in a lot of ways that where new to me. however I always felt like some thing was missing. not knowing what is was I left and went back many times to find learn, not sure. A relationship in my eyes become clearer as time went on,  Family and trust was a big part of my upbringing. I am still unclear of what went wrong but we all make choices and maybe some day I can look back and answer it. Now I see things in a different light. still unsure and for sure I get lots of laughs and mind stimulation. finding your true self could take years but enjoy day by day and let in unfold.

some points that help me.

  • Accepting that someone loves you
  • Feeling safe and content it is hard to describe.
  • You will know it when you find it. All is covered and what you dreamed of.
  • Support in the action, the way they do, not just talk, they take action about it, they listen without commenting, just let you talk.
  • They remember what you have said and take action.
  • The look says it all; you do not need to say I love you all the time.
  • You are in a busy public place they will notice your mood change from a distance and ask if you’re ok, them knowing something is up

I AM STILL LEARNING WHAT THIS CONNECTION IS AND HOW LIFE IS MEANT TO BE. SOUL SEARCHING IS FOUND WHEN YOU STOP LOOKING AND ACCEPT WHAT WILL BE WILL BE.

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Diary

Sexual Abuse

by pandora
written by pandora

The pain has surfaced again.

Just when you think you have dealt with your past, something happens and turns it all upside down.

Thinking I had faced and worked on my child abuse but yet here I am again. This time it is stronger and I am angry.

But before I accepted and thought it was my fault for leading these abuses on as a 10-year-old does.

I am feeling sick and am shocked.

Want to reach out but feeling like no one is there to listen to me. Well, tell a lie I have someone very close to me and supporting me and I am very lucky. As they have pushed me to go get some professional help.

I did get help when I was in my 20s but this needs to be dealt with again.

Yes, there is a history as we all know of breaking up in my relationships and getting back together.

This will be written like I am sending him a letter as it might sound better, no names I will call him Fred

Fred what happened the other morning was so wrong and it has stirred up a lot of things I thought I had dealt with. I am now suffering and in pain as I try to find a way to make this go away.

I have now reached the point of anger but still, finding it hard to release. As anger scares me. I am not wanted to lash out at you but I need to set myself free and talk about it.

This is how it went down for me.

knowing I am a very sexual girl but sometimes I just don’t feel like it and I say no. Fred did not see or hear my NO so he persisted.

It was early in the morning about 5 am; Fred had to get up and go to work. As always my Fred is horny in the morning and that’s ok. I don’t mind if he lies beside me and looks after himself I like listening to his noises. It makes me smile.

This morning he approached me and I said no don’t wake me I want to sleep. So Fred stars to try and get me involved by playing with my anal area with his finger as he plays with himself with the others hand. I said stop I don’t want to be woken let me sleep, don’t wake me.

I pushed his had away, thinking he would roll over and attended to himself as he has done on other occasions. But now he persisted. I was on my side facing the wall and he was behind me.

So then he pulls my singlet up and starts rubbing his erect cock on my back, doing the pelvic thrust. Then my body went into shut down and it was all too familiar.

One of my sexual abuses lets call him James, use to sneak into my bedroom when I was about 10 years old. I was asleep but soon woke to James sliding into, my bed.

Yes, I was facing to wall and James came in from behind as he pushed his body against me. James rubbed himself on me and then He spat on his hand and slides his hand and fingers between my thighs, making sure my vagina was wet and slippery. James would play for while fingering me and making my pussy all slippery and wet. Then James would slide his hard cock in-between my legs, sliding back and forwards. Thrusting and grinding and breathing on my neck with pleasurable moaning sounds.

I did not know what to do as he held my body tight to his as his cock slipped in and out of my vagina, not penetrating. I body just shut down and was numb as I had to listen to his noises and feeling his heavy breathing on my neck as he was getting himself hard and pleasing himself.

Then he would leave and I would be numb and not being able to move or say anything and wet between my legs. I just wanted to scream and go wash. Feeling dirty and like I did something wrong. My friend calls it rape; it is hard to think of it this way. But yes I was raped. Angry!

I want to share this with Fred but I feel it might break him and that’s not what I want to do. But I also want people to know that a small action you think is harmless can kill another person. like it has me.

I am now struggling and hope I can get through this, as it hurts and I still have not let go of it. Please see the signs and use your word and actions to stop what does not feeling good for you.

no is no and make sure you take control of your rights.

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Diary

Self awareness

by pandora
written by pandora

This is about pausing and clearing the mind

taking the time to self reflect

The day has come where I sit alone

I have deleted all that does not serve my future

I have reached a point where I need to be alone

Being alone is not my best side as I feel I always need that distraction in life.

But now I am trying and fighting to need for old to play and new to feed

We all struggle with life’s difficulty’s

How do you manage?

I do lots of pausing before reacting

And some times that work and some times I react

if I put me to good and do the things that need doing

I put my self in the right place of acting and not reacting

Take time out for me

But there is always that time when you are alone and your mind wants to explore the old and not the new

Dame that’s hard lol

Enjoy your day and stay true to yourself we are all human and make good and bad choices

 

https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/bglk5a/image_hold_on_because_you_are_struggling_does_not/

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DiaryFeelings

Does my wall lock them out or keep me prisoner ?

by pandora
written by pandora

Does my wall lock them out or keep me prisoner?

I am at no turning point

It is not a game

The feelings I don’t feel

I hind them in shame

Not knowing what to do any more

But what I already know

Is to shut them out and not feel any more

My life is not painful or is it in love

I just keep going about work and life’s jobs

Not sure if I will ever let someone in

As this is life as I know it is

So I guess I will keep running and keep all away

Because that is my life as in May

Maybe someday someone will know what to say

And make my wall fall away

You all have a nice day

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General

Love and Connection

by pandora
written by pandora

love is, love  is what you want it to be

well most of you will settle for

a nice job with a nice house and a nice husband and just live

not me I have been in a nice marriage till in went sour for 20 years.

now I know what a strong connection is I want just live any more.

life was made to be lived and if you find that one you connect with cannot stop thinking of. don’t be the fool to let it go over stupid things.

because you will drown in your own tears

a relationship is compromising and a connection is sharing your most deepest thoughts and feeling safe and protected doing so.

if you can work the two together you have what life calls a soul connection.

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