I was once a lost little girl who felt scared and alone. I felt like I had no one to turn to and share my feeling with. Today I am empowered and know exactly who I am as I have changed and done a lot of self-work. Today I help many women gain their confidence and feel loved again. The little girl who was lost felt so alone and scared. The feeling of being alone feels like death. You can not see any way out but taking your own life. When there is no one to listen to your heart that is bleeding and your emotions are overflowing, and all you can see is darkness, it is the worst place you can be.
My thoughts were dark and self-hurt. I put myself through a lot of self-inflicted pain. If only someone would listen to me and hear my pain, this self-harm would not have happened. I cut my wrist with broken glass not once but twice, one of them needed stitches. I also cut my legs to make them bleed and feel the pain. I was shut down and could not feel anything anymore; I was dumb. So I cut myself for attention for people to see and feel my pain. For me to actually feel something too. it was a sensation I had lost, so the way to feel again was to cut myself up. Yes, I got the attention, and it felt rewarding actually to have someone feel like they do care about me. Feeling alone and lost does crazy things to your mind.
We search for any attention we can find. I also got very drunk to gain attention to. I got lost of attention from men who I slept with, thinking this is the way to find love. I went from men to men and only finding heart head aging, and they didn’t care. So yes this was the cause of pain and hurting myself too. Not sure if I took a lot of pills once, as I blocked a lot of my past out. Some things where just too hard to face.
This was when I got into dancing. Well dancing with no clothes on for money. Well, the money was good, I got a lot of attention,n and I could express my life sexually. Because as I thought love was about giving your body away to gain attention, acknowledgement and excitement to my life. I was popular now even though they were paying for I; it still felt like someone was taking notice of m,e and I was not alone any more.
I had friends, I had to pay attention to me, but the little girl was still lost inside me. So I turned to drugs, and this really made me feel good. I was not a big druggy, just weekend when we all partied. So now I was making great money, had lots of friends and partying on the weekend disappearing from life feeling so loved on drugs.
What a way to live, so I thought.
I have spent a lot of time working on myself after I left my 20-year marriage. I am different women who feel amazing. I feel at peace with myself, empowered, and now my calling is helping women more forwards, and out of the dark, alone whole, they think they are stuck in.