Tonight I don’t speak
I just cry my self to sleep
as my heart has opened
and his heart is broken
I must keep it asleep
or he will run and I want to be able to keep
so I will sit quietly and
watch it unfold
my turn to be the one
of support in their darkness.
I am a single mum as you may know and have no idea how to make things a boy wants to make.
My son is always looking on youtube on how to make things. It always involved buying the thing and using wood trills and stuff I have no idea on how to use.
This is the time I wish there was a man in my life to help my little man learn and grow to be able to make and build the stuff together.
I hate saying no and it kills me inside and it is hard to explain to an ADHD and spectrum autism child why I don’t want to try and make it, as I know what is in front of us and the emotional roller coaster we are in for.
Which I know will not work because they don’t give you measurements and then my boy has a mental breakdown and feels he has failed in making something because it did not work.
The emotions that come through are so unbearable. I start to feel like a failure too, not letting him have the experience and letting his imagination go wild.
I am always encouraging him but I hate it when I know it will be a failure and then I have to pick up the pieces and put him back together.
I wish I could hire a hubby to teach him how to do men stuff and work with tools because the biggest tool we have is a big screwdriver.
So I am trying to think outside the box and redirect him back to lego and that’s not working. my head is pounding my gut is turning and am praying it will all go away.
besides buying all these tools, like a drill and spending money. it kills me that it doesn’t work out.
so trying to redirect him and saying no to this, I am getting yelled at and sworn at and am the worst mother in the world.
life can be hard sometimes and you just feel like they are taking this on alone. which I am.
I am and have been doing this all alone and just feel weak and like disappearing and hiding. but there is nowhere to hide but to stay and face it and best.
So hot and sweaty just the way I like it, slippery and wet I will never fight it
So put your sweet smell on and let’s begin
Let’s have some fun my FWB man (yeehaw)
From your ma’am as a friend
http://pandorasdiary.com.au/fear-of-acceptin…ild-is-different/
I am morning and in pain of the cycle, I keep regaining. Looking for affection in all the wrong places and yet I have gained so much insight into who I am facing. The pain the gain how to refrain. I slip and then I fall and then I catch my self as I call and pick me up again.
when I am out of my comfort zone I fall and when I am in control I raw.
but to be unsure and not so pure
is part of the learning we all feel a part of.
So I call on my inner voice to guide me the way
even if it is foggy today
I will see a light as I meditate it away
faraway I will let this past fade away
I look to the light and dream of the best and forget of all the rest
please inner strength gives me the right path
I will listen and be with one
I am doing inner work and letting it flow
but I still have a little way to go.
so here I am doing my inner work and releasing the stuff that does not work
Please let me regain the strength I need
as I do not need to revisit the pain
I am doing so well and then I fell
but I will also keep moving forwards
to the light, I have visioned oh so well
they say two steps forward and one back
well that is me one step back but I know where I am at
yay to life and its many changes
that’s how we learn of our many gaining changes.
I am feeling strong but affection is a must
it is the one thing I lust
to have you hold me tight at night
to pull me ever so tight
I am missing the spooning at night
as I fight to be strong and bright
to shine for myself as I follow the light
please god give me strength each night
I must admit I am not doing too bad
but it hasn’t been long to feel sad
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/self-talk
I long for the right, not the wrong and the bad
so let’s say I have been strong
but I feel a rush that is coming on
I am going with what is good for me
but yet I am not so good you see
well not yet lol
http://pandorasdiary.com.au/emotions-have-a-purpose-even-when-they-are-unwanted/
Your relationship is yours and not to be assessed by any one else’s. Every relationship has been different for me. We all grow and have different stages of our life. I grow through every relationship even the one night stands. When i was young I had fun relationships not much commitment just fun and enjoying hanging out. There was one guy I thought I was committed to when i was around 20 years old but I had to live more. Then I got caught up in the drug scene dating a drug dealer of ecstasy and having the time of my life. Those were the days of stripping and parting on the weekends. I must say though I never mixed the two together I always kept them separate. Work was work and fun was fun. !believe it or not!
Then after years I realised I had to stop the drugs before it took over me. Well I thought I was not that bad but still wanted to stop. I went to Melbourne for work and met my ex husband and moved to Melbourne. Now he came into my life to help me give up drugs. He was ante and did not do drug and that was great. Yeas it worked but then the control and obsessiveness came in. Me not reconsidering it until it was too late.
and who am I, with all the abuse and threats. It took me 20 years to wake up to that one. I guess that relationship served it purpose; he did teach me how to run my own business and give up drugs. But then I became his trophy.
T(Imagine this, growing up in a world searching for your soul mate based merely on a formula that has a positive outcome. Each person you meet has their own piece of the formula, and with just a touch of the index finger, you immediately know whether or not that person is the one for you. Now imagine meeting countless people, and you notice some of your friends find their soul mate before you. You begin to feel like your formula isn’t right, so you pretend to choose someone as your soul mate and later after much time you realize you made a big mistake. You wanted to be like your friend just because you noticed those around you were getting into relationships meanwhile you didn’t take the time to find the right one for you based on your own needs.)
https://originalgoodgirl.com/2018/04/14/own-your-relationship/
Your relationship is yours and not to be assessed by any one else’s. Every relationship has been different for me. We all grow and have different stages of our life. I grow through every relationship even the one night stands. When I was young I had fun relationships not much commitment just fun and enjoying hanging out.
There was one guy I thought I was committed to when I was around 20 years old but I had to live more. Then I got caught up in the drug scene dating a drug dealer of ecstasy and having the time of my life. Those were the days of stripping and parting on the weekends. I must say though I never mixed the two together I always kept them separate. Work was work and fun was fun. !believe it or not! Then after years I realised I had to stop the drugs before it took over me. Well I thought I was not that bad but still wanted to stop. I went to Melbourne for work and met my ex husband and moved to Melbourne. Now he came into my life to help me give up drugs. He was ante and did not do drug and that was great. Yeas it worked but then the control and obsessiveness came in. Me not reconsidering it until it was too late. Losing my identity and who am I, with all the abuse and threats. It took me 20 years to wake up to that one. I guess that relationship served it purpose; he did teach me how to run my own business and give up drugs. But then I became his trophy.
Soul mates and connection is not what I was used to until I met a man, we talked a lot of deep emotional stuff connecting in a lot of different ways. I learnt so much about myself. He was there to listen to support me in a lot of ways that where new to me. however I always felt like some thing was missing. not knowing what is was I left and went back many times to find learn, not sure. A relationship in my eyes become clearer as time went on, Family and trust was a big part of my upbringing. I am still unclear of what went wrong but we all make choices and maybe some day I can look back and answer it. Now I see things in a different light. still unsure and for sure I get lots of laughs and mind stimulation. finding your true self could take years but enjoy day by day and let in unfold.
some points that help me.
I AM STILL LEARNING WHAT THIS CONNECTION IS AND HOW LIFE IS MEANT TO BE. SOUL SEARCHING IS FOUND WHEN YOU STOP LOOKING AND ACCEPT WHAT WILL BE WILL BE.