Dear Diary, Seperation

by pandora

OMG it has been a roller coaster, emotional weekend, which should have been a magic one. Let me set the scene for you. My ex has been away in Thailand living a different life, away from his child and decides to come back and start looking after his boy again, which is great for my boys heart but I think for him, personally maybe not. So I drop him off and head off to my mans house to spend some time alone together, not thinking anything but and then my emotions take over without realising and I shut down like I used to with the ex, not fucking good, I hate this feeling of not feeling. I did not realise until later that I had shut down, feeling sick about my boy, is he ok?

Feeling lost. After putting so much work into helping him find direction, in the last past 6 months. I still feel sick and nervous every time I have to face the ex, the control he had over me, I had no personality, he ripped it away from me with his harsh words that made him feel superior. At about 9ish the ex sends a text about my boy asking if he was telling the truth about something, me just falling apart picturing him standing over my crying boy as he ask for the truth. Over something as trivial as having a shower. I responded protecting my boy. Then thinking I am a bad mum putting my child through what I walked away from or more to the point escaped from. how do we do this?

After that I lost all feeling and passion for my man and what we should be catching up on, we talked little but I was holding back, did not let out all, not understanding, what the fuck, why does the ex he still this affect on me.

Now home alone and reading my mans blog and what he puts on twitter just makes my heart cry, I have a very understanding supportive man I can not see my life without. I feel alone but with great support if that makes sense.

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