The pain has surfaced again.
Just when you think you have dealt with your past, something happens and turns it all upside down.
Thinking I had faced and worked on my child abuse but yet here I am again. This time it is stronger and I am angry.
But before I accepted and thought it was my fault for leading these abuses on as a 10-year-old does.
I am feeling sick and am shocked.
Want to reach out but feeling like no one is there to listen to me. Well, tell a lie I have someone very close to me and supporting me and I am very lucky. As they have pushed me to go get some professional help.
I did get help when I was in my 20s but this needs to be dealt with again.
Yes, there is a history as we all know of breaking up in my relationships and getting back together.
This will be written like I am sending him a letter as it might sound better, no names I will call him Fred
Fred what happened the other morning was so wrong and it has stirred up a lot of things I thought I had dealt with. I am now suffering and in pain as I try to find a way to make this go away.
I have now reached the point of anger but still, finding it hard to release. As anger scares me. I am not wanted to lash out at you but I need to set myself free and talk about it.
This is how it went down for me.
knowing I am a very sexual girl but sometimes I just don’t feel like it and I say no. Fred did not see or hear my NO so he persisted.
It was early in the morning about 5 am; Fred had to get up and go to work. As always my Fred is horny in the morning and that’s ok. I don’t mind if he lies beside me and looks after himself I like listening to his noises. It makes me smile.
This morning he approached me and I said no don’t wake me I want to sleep. So Fred stars to try and get me involved by playing with my anal area with his finger as he plays with himself with the others hand. I said stop I don’t want to be woken let me sleep, don’t wake me.
I pushed his had away, thinking he would roll over and attended to himself as he has done on other occasions. But now he persisted. I was on my side facing the wall and he was behind me.
So then he pulls my singlet up and starts rubbing his erect cock on my back, doing the pelvic thrust. Then my body went into shut down and it was all too familiar.
One of my sexual abuses lets call him James, use to sneak into my bedroom when I was about 10 years old. I was asleep but soon woke to James sliding into, my bed.
Yes, I was facing to wall and James came in from behind as he pushed his body against me. James rubbed himself on me and then He spat on his hand and slides his hand and fingers between my thighs, making sure my vagina was wet and slippery. James would play for while fingering me and making my pussy all slippery and wet. Then James would slide his hard cock in-between my legs, sliding back and forwards. Thrusting and grinding and breathing on my neck with pleasurable moaning sounds.
I did not know what to do as he held my body tight to his as his cock slipped in and out of my vagina, not penetrating. I body just shut down and was numb as I had to listen to his noises and feeling his heavy breathing on my neck as he was getting himself hard and pleasing himself.
Then he would leave and I would be numb and not being able to move or say anything and wet between my legs. I just wanted to scream and go wash. Feeling dirty and like I did something wrong. My friend calls it rape; it is hard to think of it this way. But yes I was raped. Angry!
I want to share this with Fred but I feel it might break him and that’s not what I want to do. But I also want people to know that a small action you think is harmless can kill another person. like it has me.
I am now struggling and hope I can get through this, as it hurts and I still have not let go of it. Please see the signs and use your word and actions to stop what does not feeling good for you.
no is no and make sure you take control of your rights.